Monthly archives for May, 2005

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Why Star Wars sucks

[You should read the Why Star Wars rocks post first.]

The way I heard the legend, Star Wars was originally one huge story. George Lucas took his story to a few Hollywood types, and they all give him the same bits of advice. First, the story was way too big for one movie. Second, don't pitch it as a series of movies. No one will commit to a series until they know that the first movie has money in the bank.

So Lucas took his two-ton screenplay and cut out his favorite chunk. Assuming he'd only get the chance to make one movie, he started pitching Episode IV. Everybody knows how that worked out.

Three years after Star Wars came Empire, and after three more years, Jedi. Has anyone else noticed how out of place those fuzzy-assed Ewoks seemed in Jedi? Out of the entire original trilogy, the Ewoks are the only little fuzzy cute things. Supposedly (again according to those mysterious legends) Jedi was originally to be set on Chewbacca's planet, but Lucas changed it to something more appealing for little kids. Damn his money lust. Everyone I've ever talked Star Wars with agrees that Jedi would have been better without the cuddly little Ewoks changing the tone.

I can't help but wonder what else has changed since Lucas carved up his original story in the mid-70s. Jedi was turned into a hybrid story/marketing tool. Phantom Menace did the same thing, trying to suck in a new generation of kids with the poisonously cute Jar Jar Binks.

With the earliest movies, Lucas still had to rely on the real world to create his fantasies. Aliens were actors in costumes. Scapeships were miniatures on sticks. Backgrounds were painted. He squeezed everything he could out of the "primitive" tools at his disposal. The new movies are nothing like this.

Watching the new trilogy, I doubt there's a single frame that hasn't been "enhanced." Entire characters exist only in computer animations. Entire planets are digital constructs. Lucas has become so obsessed with what he can do, he's forgotten to ask what he should do. I imagine him continuously asking "how can I make this bigger?" His digital fetish has sucked the soul out of his movies.

Episode II was an absolute disaster. Most of the movie sucks. And the parts that suck least all seem to be stolen from other movies. There's the scene where Anakin and Obi Wan are chasing the assassin through Coruscant. Well, that's basically a non-cool version of the chase scene in Fifth Element. This scene is immediately followed by a carbon copy of the cantina scene from his original movie. The robot factory scene is little more than a rewrite of the pie machine in Chicken Run, only without the cleverness and fun. The clone farms of Kamino bear a suspicious resemblance to the human-powered batteries from the Matrix. The coliseum scene could have been lifted straight from any sand-and-sandals movie Hollywood's cranked out in the past fifty years or so. Gladiator, Spartacus, whatever. The list goes on, but you get the idea.

Just so you don't think I'm all gloom and doom on the new movies and all sunshine and roses on the old, let me say I have a major complaint about the original trilogy as well. I'll say it bluntly: Star Wars destroyed Hollywood.

Look at the big blockbusters Hollywood put out a just before Star Wars. Movies like Jaws and Close Encounters could never get made today. They're great movies, but they just don't cut it in the New Hollywood. And Alfred Hitchcock? Forget it. If released as a new film today, Vertigo would play in a few dozen art house theaters. There's not enough action. Not enough flash. For the past 25 years, the trend has been more pretty, less thinky. Movies keep getting bigger in scope, but smaller in spirit. With this trend, George Lucas basically created the modern action hero. Extend that to its logical end, and Lucas is responsible for the words "Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger."

When I was a boy, Star Wars filled me excitement and wonder. But that was then. Time passes. Things change. And lightning just does not strike twice.

Why Star Wars rocks

As everyone not currently in a coma knows, the final installment of the Star Wars series is about to hit theaters. I really want to see this movie. I'm very curious to see how everything works out. After 28 years, everything is finally going to be resolved.

I was four years old in 1977, so I have only the fuzziest memories about seeing the original movie. But I remember the next two pretty clearly.

I was seven years old in 1980. I saw The Empire Strikes Back at a drive-in theater. My family never had too much money, so my parents actually snuck me into the theater. [Doesn't the word "snuck" sound dirty?] Mom told me to get really small in the footwell behind her seat and cover myself with a blanket. We got in just fine: two adult tickets, no child tickets. Once we parked, Mom got the snacks out of the trunk. We had popcorn from home, made with oil on the stove. We had a pitcher of Kool-Aide and Cokes in glass bottles. I'm so glad things change. If nothing ever changed, we could never be nostalgic about things like Coke in glass bottles.

At seven years old, the drive-in was a place of wonder. The drive-in is where I saw Christopher Reeve fly. It's where I saw Richard Dreyfuss play with his mashed potatoes. And it's where I nearly peed myself watching Roy Scheider battle a giant shark.

Watching Empire is one of the clearest memories I have of my childhood. To my young eyes, the drive-in screen seemed impossibly huge. That tinny metal speaker box put the sound right there in the car. Everywhere outside the car, people were moving. They seemed like ghosts as they'd emerge from the darkness on their way to the snack counter or the restrooms.

And the movie! Oh, the movie! Yoda fascinated me. Darth Vader terrified me. I felt like I was holding my breath for two solid hours. Even with my adult eyes, I marvel at the use of color and the "feel" of Luke and Vader's showdown in the carbon freezing room.

I was ten in 1983, when Return of The Jedi came out. This time we saw the movie in an indoor theater, with seats and tickets and everything. The movie wasn't nearly as good as Empire, but I remember the theater. In 1983, the theater still had curtains that they'd open and close for every movie. People would still cheer when the hero won, and they'd still applaud when the movie finished. This time my best friend Rex went with us to see the movie. On the walk home he and I rehashed our favorite scenes while my parents followed behind, smiling and laughing at our enthusiasm.

The original Star Wars trilogy still stands as a seminal event in American cinema. Movies were just not the same after Star Wars. Science fiction was suddenly mainstream, and Hollywood types fell all over themselves to find the next story too large to be contained by one planet.

Special effects took a huge leap forward as well. Mechanical sharks and men in tights were pretty cool, but nothing could match the "wow factor" that Star Wars introduced. All of a sudden visuals were a real priority, and filmmakers haven't stopped amazing us since.

Friday, May 13, 2005

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

(Picture that title sung like the Christmas carol.)

If you weren't already aware, it's Friday the 13th. It's that magical day where people get completely stupid about a ridiculous fear of the day following Thursday the 12th. Today, otherwise intelligent people will be inclined to blame any unpleasant occurrence, no matter how mundane, on the calendar. Flat tire? Friday the 13th. Ran out of ketchup? Friday the 13th. Got beat down on the subway by a man who looks just like William Katt? Friday the 13th.

In honor of paraskavedekatriaphobes and the people who love them (and also the people who barely tolerate their existence), I present to you a list of really stupid phobias.

  • Paraskavedekatriaphobia - Fear of Friday the 13th

  • Triskaidekaphobia - Fear of the number 13

  • Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia - Fear of the number 666

  • Verbophobia - Fear of words

  • Mycophobia - Fear or mushrooms

  • Briophobia - Fear of the human foot

  • Cherophobia - Fear of gaiety

  • Eurotophobia - Fear of female genitalia

  • Fearaphobia - Fear of the word fear

  • Globophobia - Fear of balloons

  • Hedonophobia - Fear of feeling pleasure

  • Levophobia - Fear of things to the left side of the body

  • Ortographobia - Fear of spelling mistakes

  • Peladophobia - Fear of bald people

  • Pnumonomicroscopicsilicovolcanocoviosophobia - Fear of a lung disease caused by coal dust

  • Quadrataphobia - Fear of quadratic equations

  • Sesquipedalophobia - Fear of long words

  • Turophobia - Fear of cheese

  • Vuteuthindiophobia - Fear of picnics

  • Porphyrophobia - Fear of the color purple

  • Anemophobia - Fear of air

  • Aibohphobia - Fear of palindromes

  • Dendrophobia - Fear of trees

  • Geniophobia - Fear of chins

  • Symmetrophobia - Fear of symmetry

  • Pteronophobia - Fear of being tickled by feathers

Who the hell comes up with these? And why? Just because one nut is terrified by the site of polished toenails doesn't mean we need a new word to describe him. After all, we already have words like dumbass, ass clown, and slow-learning mouth-breather.

But considering how today is like the superbowl of phobias, I've come up a few of my own.

  • Paraskavedekatriaphobophobia - Fear of people who fear Friday the 13th

  • Airtakedevaksarapophobia - Fear of every day that isn't Friday the 13th

  • Triskadickaphobia - Fear of Ron Jeremy

  • Notalentaphonia - Fear of Ashlee Simpson

  • D'ohadepraphobia - Fear of The Simpsons getting canceled

  • Yodaphobia - Fear of being locked in a elevator with six fanboys who have just seen Episode III

  • Googlaphobia - Fear of Googling your own name and finding out that everyone hates you

  • Jackophobia - Fear of being trapped in the Neverland Ranch while wearing a cute little sailor outfit

  • Egomaniaphobia - Fear of Blog Kris taking over everything

It's Friday the 13th. Be careful. Also, watch out for the Ides of March. And Cinco de Mayo. And Arbor Day.

Celebrity blogger unmasked!

A few days ago Mark wrote a post about blogs he'd found recently and liked well enough to add to his blogroll. One of them, All About Me, is written by a young woman bearing a striking resemblance to French supermodel Laetitia Casta.

Laetitia Casta Danikabur

The first picture is Laetitia. The second is Danikabur. In addition to the suspicious nature of these photos, Danikabur isn't shy about posting pictures of herself in her bra. Her lack of modesty is surely a result of her Victoria's Secret experience. (Don't bother looking for the pictures. She removed them. Geez, you stalk a girl just a little and she goes all panicky and yanks the naughty pictures.)

So I'm pretty sure "Danikabur" is just an alias. You know, she's got pretty strong English skills for a French girl. She doesn't type with an accent or anything.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Who the hell am I, really?

About two weeks ago, I picked up the two DVD set for Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2. At $15 for the two of them, it seemed a pretty good deal at the time.

Now I'm not so sure. Unusually for a such a bubble gum movie, it's set off some serious soul searching. In watching those movies again, for the first time in probably ten years or so, I've suddenly realized how many of my cutesy little catch phrases were swiped directly from Wayne and Garth.

On a lower level, I've always been aware that I was channeling Garth when I say "I feel kind funny" in that silly voice. I know that Girlfriend occasionally uses the "camera one, camera two" joke. I know that I'm stealing from Wayne when I say "Ix-nay on the Ondecension-cay, Chet." But seeing both movies start to finish after so long has really driven home how heavily I've been influenced by pop culture.

I smoke, and my circumstances are such that wherever I am I always seem to be smoking outdoors. When I stand there, I quietly think of J.D. from Heathers. ("Our love is god. Let's go get a slushie.")

When I put on my sunglasses, I think of Neo and Morpheus.

When I drive under street lights, I think of the soundtrack to Trainspotting. (Leftfield - A Final Hit.)

When I shop with Girlfriend, I think of Will and Grace.

When I park the car, I think of Seinfeld. (Purple 23.)

For every emotion, every mood, every mask I wear, there's something in my mind guiding me. Where the hell am I under all this? Peel away a life filled with comic books, sitcoms, and forgettable movies, and what's left? When you take away all the external influence, can there be anything left?

I wonder what I would be like, were it not for all the idle diversions. Would I lounge under a tree, eating figs and reading The Republic? Or would I be exactly the same as I am now, only with a head full of Tocqueville and Kierkegaard?

Would I start my work day thinking "man is born free, yet everywhere he is in chains?" Or would I still think "time to make the donuts?"

Introspection is often by nature open-ended. I don't have any tidy way to wrap this up. So I'll close with another pop culture snippet:

There is an idea of a Fish; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable… I simply am not there.

Monday, May 9, 2005

Is it just me?

I'd like to think I'm trendy. Well, trendy in a stable, normal way. I'm not about to dye my hair blue or move my waistband down to mid-thigh. I mean trendy in an up-to-date, stylish way.

That's pretty much all a lie. I know that it's not true because I just cannot get Radiohead. Eight years ago when "OK Computer" came out, critics all over the place started talking about what a brilliant album it is. I just don't see it.

I dug their first album, "Pablo Honey." I thought their big single Creep was superb. Then the next album, "The Bends," was released. I thought it was so-so, but I guess still worth listening. Then came OK Computer. It's still widely regarded as their masterpiece. A conceptual work about "the way machines dehumanize people." Fanboys have boosted the user-rating at Amazon.com to 4.5 stars. Every review is packed with superlatives.

People say things like "the emotional whirlwind leaves me dizzy," "I'm genuinely moved by this album," "leaves me with a truly euphoric feeling," "amazing," and "haunting."

What the hell are these people talking about? I listen to OK Computer and I hear a jumbled mess that when stirred long enough might eventually become good music. At best it sounds like mediocre Pink Floyd. At worst it sounds like white noise masquerading as music.

I've tried so hard to like this album. For years, I've gone back to it every couple of months. I've probably played this CD more often than some CDs I genuinely enjoy, just because I'm still trying to get it. See, I really need this to be trendy. I don't feel that I can continue to wear in good conscience my black turtlenecks and little round John Lennon glasses unless I can talk about the brilliance of OK Computer.

I can talk about how their later albums have created a cycle where their continued experimentation alienates more CD buyers, thus reducing their audience for their next experiment, until in the end they'll have five fans listening to them playing a live cat with a violin bow. And I can say these things truthfully. Radiohead is getting stranger with each album.

But I still need OK Computer. That album is the keystone in the arch of their career. Without an understanding of this central work, all the trendy people will know that I am a pretender among them.

Or is it all just a sham? A silent conspiracy? Do all the so-called Radiohead fans actually like and understand this album, or is everyone just faking it so that they too can be hip? I could believe that. It seems to me very possible that everyone in the world thinks this album blows, but many people pretend they're into it because it's "complex and mature." Maybe I'm the only one not pretending.

Yeah, that would be pretty cool

I was thinking about writing a post about all the events of my weekend. The biggest problem with that is that all the events of my weekend added together and with a little embelishment aren't worth mentioning.

Except for one.

Saturday afternoon The Kid informed me that the coolest thing in the universe, past present or future, in history or in fantasy, would be a volcano with a lightsabre. He's not sure what a volcano would do with a lightsabre, but he's convinced it would be pretty cool anyway.

So, yeah. That's all I've got. I'm gonna go get a sandwich and one of those little bags of Fritos.

Only 28%?

Site Meter tells me 28% of my visitors are using Firefox. That's way too low. Firefox is the coolest web browser ever. I've used dozens, so you can take my word for it. No matter what you do, Firefox has an extension to make it easier for you. I've got extensions to spellcheck my comment posts, display a custom news ticker, remove ads (or any other content I choose), monitor my Gmail account, give me weather alerts, sync bookmarks between all my computers, and a lot of other things too. The damn thing does everything. Today I sat around drinking beer while Firefox mowed my lawn.

The reason I'd decided to evangelize today is that I've just found an extension that allows you to apply your own style rules to any site you like. So now that I've installed and tweaked it, I can make any page look the way I want it. Ugly background? Hard to read? Layout problems? I can fix all of that.

Go get Firefox. And then go get URI id and ChromEdit. It is so worth it.

Sunday, May 8, 2005

God help us all

I've consulted with Mark and Sister and we have a unanimous winner in the Tossed Salad Paint-a-palooza contest.

We all chose the entry from Blog Kris:

Blog Kris

This proves conclusively that Kris has much more free time than the rest of us.

As promised, Kris's prize will be one post on this blog. So, yeah… I'm kinda beginning to regret this.

Friday, May 6, 2005

Paint-a-palooza entries

Here are the entries for the MS Paint-a-palooza contest, presented in the order I received them.

 

From The Winged Pig:

thewingedpig.jpg

based on his honorable mention haiku.

 

From Citrus:

citrus.jpg

based on… I don't know on which it's based. Like it matters. It's salad tossing shenanigans. Close enough.

 

From Dusti:

dusti.jpg

again based on The Winged Pig's haiku.

 

From Blog Kris:

blogkris.jpg

based on a haiku from Citrus.

 

And finally, an 11th hour submission from tacit1:

tacit1.jpg

based on her own submission.

 

The contest is now closed. I'll post any new entries I receive, but they won't be part of the contest. I'll consult with the other judges, Mark and Sister, and we'll choose a winner sometime this weekend.