First, let me start out by saying that I've been a fan of yours for nearly 20 years. I was just starting to get interested in rap music when you came along in the late 80s. Your album "He's The DJ, I'm The Rapper" was fun, accessible, and very appealing to a rap-minded lower middle class teenage white boy. To this day, I still know all the words to "Parents Just Don't Understand." It almost seemed that song was written just for me. I'd play that song over and over while slaving over chores in my mother's kitchen. I'd listen and I'd think, "That's right, parents don't understand. And The Man is keeping me down with these damn dishes."
Your next album, "And In This Corner," wasn't very good. It seemed like a B-side disk for "He's The DJ." The closest thing to a stand out song was the tepid "I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson." Will, what was that all about? Didn't you have a manager to tell you that whole thing was a bad idea? But I bought that album anyway. You were there for me, so I stayed with you. I could forgive and forget, as long as you could still groove.
And you didn't let me down. Next you came out with "Homebase." This album was almost as bad "Corner," but at least it had two noticeable songs. There was the pretentious, but fun, remake of "Ring My Bell." And then there was "Summertime." That song is so cool I still listen to it today. As far as I'm concerned, this is the summer anthem.
Around that same time your TV show "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" debuted. I could never get into that show. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to. I really wanted to watch that show, just to support you. But it always made me far more sad than a sitcom should. See, I watched you on that show and thought you were going backward. "Homebase" was starting to show a bit of maturity. You were evolving and growing as an artist. You and I were both growing into our own, both becoming men.
But that TV show was about 1986 Will Smith. It was almost painful to watch you spinning your wheels, stuck in an old stereotype. In fact, I think it was that show that killed your music career. America was rapidly losing interest in 1986 Will Smith.
After a few years, you were canceled. Now you were left without any kind of career. Nobody was interested in The Fresh Prince anymore. You languished for a few years and we were ready to make you the subject of a few Trivial Pursuit questions, banish you to Hollywood Squares, and forget all about you.
And then a miracle happened. Your agent managed to convince Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay that you were perfect for "Bad Boys." This agent acknowledged that we were tired of The Fresh Prince, but managed to convince the money men that we were ready for Will Smith. I would assume the genius who pulled this off was not the same doofus who did not talk you out of that Mike Tyson song.
Well, he was right. America was ready for a funny, strong, young, black leading man. "Independence Day" followed "Bad Boys," and suddenly you were a star again.
Then, wonder of wonders, another miracle happened. You actually made a musical comeback. 1997 was a big year for you. "Men In Black" further cemented your status as an action star, and your new album "Big Willie Style" brought you back to the top of the charts again. Songs like "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" and "Miami" kept us dancing for almost two years.
Your movie career was chugging along quite nicely. With "Ali," you showed us you could play serious drama. With "Hitch," you showed us you could be a romantic leading man. With "Shark Tale" and your cameo in "Jersey Girl," you showed us you have a sense of humor. Today you seem unstoppable. But that can all change.
Do you remember the Tylenol poisonings in 1982? Seven people in the Chicago area died from taking Extra Strength Tylenol capsules that had been injected with cyanide. As soon as investigators discovered the cause of the deaths, Johnson & Johnson took very decisive action. They ordered a complete halt to production and issued a nationwide recall of every Tylenol product. They even mounted an extensive advertising campaign to make sure every American knew their product might be unsafe. They destroyed every single recalled pill. Then they retooled and inspected their manufacturing plants and reintroduced a new Tylenol. This time, they featured triple-sealed packaging that would virtually eliminate the possibility of third-party tampering.
To this day, J&J's handling of the Tylenol poisonings remains the gold standard for corporate citizenship. They bit the bullet and did everything they could to make it right. It's estimated that they spent over 200 million dollars on resolving the crisis. Because of their honest efforts, we soon trusted them just as much as we had before. Those people certainly knew a thing or two about damage control.
Which brings me back to you. I hate to seem rude, but we've been through a lot together, Will. I'll just come right out and say it.
Your new album sucks.
Your music is becoming formulaic again. "Lost and Found" blows. There's not one original song on the whole damn album. I would like very much to completely forget about the whole thing, but people won't let me. My 11 year-old niece is obsessed with it. Every time I visit my sister-in-law's house, your music is streaming out of her bedroom.
And that single, "Switch?" That would have fit right in with the rest of your 1997 music. But it's not 1997 anymore. This is the age of Eminem, Ludacris, and 50 Cent. "Switch," which isn't very good to begin with, is so dated that the words "has been" keeping floating through my mind. Crap music like this could bring your whole house of cards crumbling down again. The Sony Music payola machine that has that damn song on the radio every 30 minutes is hurting you far more than you know.
You've got to do a Tylenol, Will. You've got a poison pill out there, and it's going to kill your career. If you'd just stand up and say, "My new album sucks, and I'm sorry," we'd forgive you.
If you don't, if you keep going like nothing is wrong, we'll hold it against you. We'll update those Trivial Pursuit questions and warm up the center square for you.
Come on, Will. Do the right thing. Pull that turd off the market. If you do nothing else, could you at least get my favorite radio station to stop playing that damn "Switch?"
Your fan (maybe),
Fish
