A few weeks ago, I did a bad thing. Well, kinda bad.

No, it's bad. There's no way around it. It's a bad thing. I was justified, but it's still bad.

First, the background info: I hate dogs. Hate them. Loathe them. Despise them. Dogs are dirty, smelly, and noisy. They're always jumping at me. They're always sticking their wet snouts at me, or worse, trying to lick me. They're always getting into things, knocking things over, making a mess. They bark in the middle of the night. They embarrass their owners in front of guests. Their hair gets on everything. They will eat anything that will fit in their mouths, no matter how disgusting. They'll even eat their own waste. Oh, and the waste! A dog will shit on anything… including my lawn.

My neighbors have a dog. As I am the antithesis of a dog lover, I've never bothered to learn how to identify various breeds. It's some kind of hound, I think. My neighbor bought it to use as a "huntin' dog." I can't imagine he's actually using this dog for hunting, but whatever. As a breed designed as a huntin' dog, this animal is especially energetic. Probably at some deep genetic level, this dog is meant for bounding through fields while chasing grouse.

My neighbors also have two pre-K children, so anytime the family is outside their attention is focused pretty heavily on keeping the little ones out of traffic. The dog runs about more or less as it pleases while Mom and Pop are occupied.

Considering it's merely a dog, it's quite understandable that it has no concept of property lines. It's also forgivable that the dog never says anything like, "Excuse me Madam, but I should tell you that I've gone and done my business in the neighbor's yard again." Actually, if the dog were to do that, I think it should also wear a blue smoking jacket and speak with a slight Cornish accent.

So I don't really blame the dog for the large collection of dog shit in my yard. I blame the neighbors, of course. Their yard, which is incidentally about half the size of mine, is cleaned on an almost daily basis. I've never once seen them cleaning up after their dog in my yard.

About two weeks ago, I watched their dog leave piles in my yard twice in one day. I waited until the next day, hoping they might have cleaned up after their pet. They had not.

So I went into the garage and grabbed a shovel. Then I very carefully and methodically took every single dog turd out of my yard and flipped them all into their driveway. I found about ten piles of varying sizes. When flung, these piles broke apart into smaller chunks. So by the time I was finished there were dozens of much smaller piles scattered everywhere over a twenty foot section of their driveway.

The distribution was pretty even. I mean it was everywhere. Had they walked from their house to their garage in the dark, they'd have probably sullied their shoes ten times over. And maybe they did. I don't know what their reaction was when they found the mess. The next day I snuck a peek and saw that they'd cleaned the driveway. And fortunately, they didn't toss any of it back into my yard.

Now, I realize that what I did is probably the most childish and inflammatory thing I could have possibly done in this situation. But damn was it satisfying. Luckily I didn't see the neighbors for a few days after that. I've now seen them several times since and they're just as bright and friendly as they usually are. Thank goodness. I don't regret the turd-flinging, but I'm damn glad I didn't start a neighbor feud.