A man even more eviler than Skeletor.
I just finished working on a computer for an animal hospital. The lovely young woman at the reception desk uses this image as her desktop wallpaper. It's the company mascot for IntraVet, a developer of veterinary software.
Is this supposed to be cute? It kind of creeps me out.
The Intravet Dog
The top cluster of stories on Google News right now is about the kidnapping of Former German Deputy Foreign Minister Juergen Chrobog, his wife and their three children in Yemen. A Bloomberg story continues on to mention that Chrobog and his family were on vacation.
I've got just one question. Who takes their vacation in Yemen?
2005, my first year of blogging, was a busy year. Through numerous identities and blogs scattered all over the web, I wrote around six hundred posts this year.
I'm reposting my twelve favorites, three per day for four days. I didn't start blogging until mid-February, and didn't write anything that didn't completely suck until mid-March, so I doubled up on July and September to round out my favorite twelve.
Here is the first installment: March, April and May.
May - And the winner is… - The results of what was to be the first annual Salad Tossing Haiku Contest. There will probably be a second annual haiku contest, but there will almost certainly be a new focus.
April - My vice, my imagination, my new favorite disease, and The Passion of The Toenail - A silly, rambling post about cigarettes, soldering irons, Sister's hideous deformity, and a disgusting TV commercial.
March - It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you - An autobiographical post about everyone on the planet conspiring together to keep me from getting to work on time.
No one asked, and probably no one cares, but here they are anyway. The best of me, 2005.
How could I forget this? Pretend this is a part of that "holiday weekend" post.
Friday
Sister: What the hell is Emeril making?
Me: I don't…
Sister: That looks like snatch!
Sister (yelling): Everybody come look! Emeril is making snatch!
***
Sister: You should have seen it. Emeril was making snatch. Fish?
Me (in fairly accurate Emeril impression): Salty! Sweet! Pork!
In the mid-west you can buy live fishing bait out of a vending machine.
Keith, a.k.a. World's Biggest Dork, walked into my office carrying a box about a half hour ago.
Keith: Wanna see $600 worth of electronics?
Me: No.
(We stare at each other silently for around thirty seconds.)
Me: But if you really want to show me…
Keith: Goody!
Keith has a new video card. Time to par-tay.
Hapless woman: Did you get it fixed so I can go on the internet again?
Me: Yes, I did. It's working just fine now.
Hapless woman: What was wrong with it?
Me: You threw the fan belt on your search engine.
Hapless woman: Really?
(pause)
Me: Yes, really.
Friday
Teenage goth kid #1: Is my ass digging into your hip?
Me: Yeah, but it's all good.
***
Me: All you're missing now is someone to pee on you.
The Bard: haha! Yeah, that's just what I need!
Me: So can I?
The Bard: Umm…
***
Me: Nice boots. KISS, Destroyer, 1978?
Teenage goth kid #1: Uh, no. Cradle of Filth, 2004.
Me: I really showed my age there didn't I?
Teenage goth kid #1: KISS?
***
The Bard: Hey! No fucking in the champagne room!
***
The Bard: Dude, what the hell were you two doing back there?
Teenage goth kid #2: Looking at cock rings on the internet.
The Bard: What the fuck?
Teenage goth kid #2: I can't take her to the sex shops with me.
Teenage goth kid #1: She's not 18 yet?
Teenage goth kid #2: Not until May.
Me: I really can't relate to this at all.
The Bard: How old are you anyway?
***
Sister: I feel so old.
Me: Shut up.
***
Hector: My crabs are huge! They're like lobsters!
(pause)
Hector: Wanna see?
***
Sister: Why is it I can never leave without you telling me something new about Pakistan?
Me: This will be a lot less painful if you don't struggle.
Saturday
Me: I should have bought a copy of Serenity while I was shopping today. Now I'm going to have to wait until Monday to see it.
The Bunny: I thought you said your mom was getting it for you.
Me: heh. Yeah. Wait.
***
Mom: If not for you, I wouldn't even get swiss cheese. And then I'd have to listen to the other two whine.
Sister: I'm not cool enough for my own cheese.
***
Sister: Wow! Look at all these goodies! I'm so loved.
Me: But you're still not cool enough for your own cheese.
***
Mom: Demon child #1, will you go in my bedroom and get Uncle RNB a roll of toilet paper? (giving directions) No, not that pile of stuff, the other pile. No the other pile. Third pile of stuff from the end.
***
Bunny: So what DVD did your mom give you?
Me: Cry_wolf.
Bunny: I didn't believe you. You should have bought Serenity today.
Sunday
The Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: Yes! Here you go.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, it broke, can you put it back together again?
***
Me: Do you want to watch a movie while Mommy naps?
Chicken: Yeah!
Me: Which one?
Chicken: Godzilla!
(I reach for Godzilla.)
Chicken: No, I mean Herbie!
(I reach for Herbie.)
Chicken: No, I mean Ed, Edd n Eddy!
(I reach for Ed, Edd n Eddy.)
Chicken: No, I mean Inspector Gadget Christmas!
Me: Ed, Edd n Eddy it is.
Monday
Chicken: Dad, will you make me waffles?
Me: Hell no!
Chicken: But Dad! Mom always makes me waffles!
Me: I'm not Mom.
(pause)
Me: Get dressed, let's go out for waffles.
***
Me: Ok, what do you want for breakfast?
Chicken: Waffles, eggs, bacon, sausage and toast.
Me: You're not going to get all of that.
Chicken: Ok, how about… waffles, eggs, bacon… sausage… and toast?
Me: Chicken, they don't offer eggs or waffles as a side item. And I'm not buying you two breakfasts. You have to choose eggs or waffles. So which do you want? Eggs or waffles?
Chicken: Eggs and waffles.
Me: You're not following. You can't get both eggs and waffles. You have to pick one or the other.
Chicken: Eggs and waffles.
Me: You might not survive the morning.
***
Waitress: Here you are. Enjoy your breakfast, fellas.
Chicken: Dad, she brought the eggs, but she forgot my waffles.
Me: You didn't order waffles, remember?
Chicken: Oh. Yeah. I want waffles.
***
Amy (lovely young woman at Sam Goody): On your Visa card today?
Visa card: No, no! I'm already bleeding! I can't take anymore of this! Help me, help me!
***
Chicken: Dad, can we go to the video store and rent PlayStation games?
Me: Sure. I was planning on that.
Chicken: Can we go now?
Me: No, first we're going to get haircuts.
Chicken: What?!?
***
RNB: I was never comfortable in that neighborhood. Lotta spics down there.
(silence)
***
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Bud Light, please.
Bartender: And for you?
RNB: Budweiser.
Me: You should really ask this young man for his ID.
(RNB hands it over.)
Bartender: Wow! Happy birthday! You want a birthday shot?
(silence)
Me: Yes, he'd love a birthday shot!
Bartender: What are you drinking?
(silence)
Me: We'll have Cuervo. And a salt shaker please.
RNB: Ugh.
***
Drunken Buffoon: Are you Filipino?
Bartender: I'm half Filipino.
Drunken Buffoon: So you're Filipino.
Bartender: No… I'm half Filipino.
Drunken Buffoon: So you're Filipino.
Bartender: Get you another beer?
***
RNB: Girls around here don't seem to be into rednecks.
Me: You sure they're just not into you?
RNB: Uh, thanks.
Me: I'm not picking on you. I'm just saying you're getting a reputation.
RNB: True. Yeah, maybe that's it.
***
RNB: Next weekend I'm bringing Jesse up here to move in with me.
Me: You're moving your girlfriend into Mom's house.
RNB: Yeah.
Me: I'm still amazed that Mom is ok with this.
RNB: Yeah, me too.
Me: Pat [our stepdad] know about this yet?
RNB: Sort of. He thinks she's just visiting during the semester break.
Me: Technically true, I suppose. But he has no idea she's staying?
RNB: Mom says we've got to have our own place by February 1st.
Me: You gonna make that?
RNB: I hope so.
Me: How much money do you have saved?
RNB: Uh, none.
Me: February 1st, huh?
***
Drunken Buffoon: Respect.
Bartender: What?
Drunken Buffoon: Respect.
Bartender: Ok.
Drunken Buffoon: That's the most important thing in life. Respect.
Bartender: Ok, sure.
Drunken Buffoon: You get one chance at that.
Bartender: Ok.
Drunken Buffoon: One chance.
(silence)
Drunken Buffoon: And now I see what you did with your one chance.
Bartender: Excuse me? I don't follow.
Drunken Buffoon: One chance.
(Drunken Buffoon stumbles out.)
Bartender: What was that all about?
Guy at end of bar: Ah, don't worry. He's always like that.
***
Bartender: More beers?
Me: Yes, please. It's all about respect you know.
Bartender: Don't you start.
Me: One chance. That's all you get. Just one chance to pour that beer respectfully.
Bartender (laughing): Shut up!
***
RNB: Thanks for the present. Thanks for dinner. Thanks for the beers.
Me: No problem. Happy Birthday.
RNB (smiling): Thanks.
***
Chicken: Dad, I don't have school tomorrow. Why can't I stay up late?
Me: You already have stayed up late. It's an hour past your bedtime. Now it's time for bed.
Chicken: But why can't I stay up late… er? Later.
***
Me (thinking): I'll be glad when this weekend is over and I can get back to my routine.
Tuesday
Me (thinking): "Back to my routine?" What the fuck was I thinking? Was I drunk?
(pause)
Me (thinking): Yeah, I was a little drunk.
What the hell is the deal with people who call me with computer questions, yet never consider that they should make that call from a phone near the computer?
It was only a three day weekend. Coming back to work should not be this difficult.