So this morning I was standing at the bus stop with The Chicken, just like I do every day. Usually we get to the stop neither very early nor late, but right in the middle. Half the kids arrive before us, half the kids arrive after us.

One of the kids that's almost always the last to arrive was today delivered with her mom by my nemesis. Well, one of my nemeses, I guess.

Tom Fucking Green. No, not that Tom Green. This is Tom Fucking Green. Different guy.

A few years ago, my office was contracted by the local cable company to work on in-home cable modem installs. The cable company would have their wire guys run a line from the box to the computer and I'd come in an hour or so later to set up the modem. This is where I first met Tom Fucking Green.

Tom Fucking Green is a filthy pig. His house was disgustingly dirty. Tom Fucking Green can afford 50 or 60 dollars a month for cable internet access, but has no money left over for things like cleaning supplies, trash bags and vacuum cleaners. I have never sat down in Tom Fucking Green's house.

On that first visit Tom Fucking Green's computer was in such a horrible state that it would barely load Windows. Not exactly optimal conditions for what I needed to do. I was able to get it working, but only barely. I told Tom Fucking Green he could expect it to be troublesome because his computer had so many problems and that he should really have those problems addressed if he wanted it to work normally. Tom Fucking Green wanted me to take care of this on the spot, free of charge. Service like that was of course not part of our contract with the cable company. I explained to Tom Fucking Green that the kind of problems he was likely to experience would not be caused by my work or the cable company's service. He grumbled, but accepted what I told him.

Tom Fucking Green had problems exactly like I told him to expect. Rather than fixing the underlying problems with his computer, Tom Fucking Green complained to the cable company.

The cable company kept dispatching me to Tom Fucking Green's house to set everything up all over again. Every time I told Tom Fucking Green exactly why he was having trouble. Every time Tom Fucking Green ignored me. Every time the cable company called me I told my contact guy exactly why Tom Fucking Green was having trouble. They kept dispatching me just to shut him up.

This in itself wasn't so bad. The cable company was still paying us for every visit. But the cable company soon tired of these twice weekly setups. Eventually they told Tom Fucking Green to get his computer fixed or take a leap.

Tom Fucking Green did not get his computer fixed, but instead started calling me directly. I helped Tom Fucking Green over the phone once, but afterward started insisting on paid service. I explained to Tom Fucking Green that I wasn't going to continue giving me him free support for a problem he refused to fix. Tom Fucking Green agreed to pay our regular rates to have me go to his house and set him up yet again.

Four times in two weeks I went to Tom Fucking Green's house to limp him along with his unfixed problems. He kept calling afterwards, but I stopped helping him. You see, Tom Fucking Green never paid us. I told Tom Fucking Green that when he requests our service directly, he's responsible for the bill. Tom Fucking Green assured me he understood and agreed to pay, even though he never had any intention of paying.

We stopped providing him service of any kind and eventually turned Tom Fucking Green over to a collection agency. Tom Fucking Green stopped calling.

But this was not the end of Tom Fucking Green. Tom Fucking Green later moved into the house next door to Goat and Bird. So nearly every fucking day I got to hear the latest about Tom Fucking Green.

The primary complaint was that Tom Fucking Green abused his fire siren. See, Tom Fucking Green is a member of a local volunteer fire department and gets a siren and a pretty flashing red light for the roof of his truck.

State law requires that such apparatus be used only when a volunteer firefighter is actually responding to a call. Tom Fucking Green cares not for laws. After all, he's Tom Fucking Green. Tom Fucking Green would sound his goddamn siren every fucking time he left the house.

After Tom Fucking Green's neighbors complained, repeatedly, Tom Fucking Green's fire chief took away his siren and pretty light.

But this was not the end of Tom Fucking Green. Tom Fucking Green banks at the same bank I do. The branch I used to frequent was tucked inside a grocery store near my office. Because it was inside a grocery store, there was no drive-thru.

So Tom Fucking Green would park right in front of the door, next to the sign that says:

DO NOT BLOCK
FIRE LANE
NO PARKING

Apparently fire lanes do not apply to Tom Fucking Green.

This branch of my bank closed down in favor of a full-service branch nearby. So Tom Fucking Green got a drive-thru and I stopped seeing him.

But apparently this is still not the end of Tom Fucking Green. If I'm really lucky, Tom Fucking Green's dropping off this woman and her child at the bus stop signifies that he is something like this woman's new boyfriend and I can expect that every morning will be a Tom Fucking Green morning.

This morning when he dropped off his passengers, Tom Fucking Green did not pull over to the curb. Instead, he stopped right in the traffic lane for about a minute and a half. Six cars lined up waiting behind Tom Fucking Green because he was too inconsiderate to pull off to the side.

This is exactly as it should be, because hey… he's Tom Fucking Green.