If you want be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle.
(Sister and I are talking, about what I forget.)
Me: You may be right.
Sister: Yeah.
Me: I may be crazy.
Sister: haha!
Me: But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for.
(pause)
Me: (singing) Turn out the light!
Sister: Oh no. No no no. No Mick Jagger today.
Me: That's you Billy Joel, you ass.
Sister: Same difference!
Me: Not even! They're nothing at all alike!
Sister: Pfft. Don't talk to me anymore.
Got a little doodad in the mail yesterday. The fine folks at Philip Morris sent me a little black carton about the size of a paperback book festooned with a few Marlboro logos.
I've received packages like this before. Usually it's a packet of coupons, but sometimes there's also a Marlboro themed object of some sort. I've received things like lighters, cigarette cases, a "personal litter device," et al.
Yesterday's item was a cube of pool cue chalk. WTF? I don't recall ever filling out some survey saying "Yes, I really like billiards and often find myself needing more blue chalk cubes."
Yesterday I had one of my semi-regular customers visit. This guy's got a strange set of circumstances happening. He's a white guy. He's unmistakably Caucasian. Yet he and his New Zealander wife (love that Kiwi accent) live on an Indian reservation. The guy paid for his service with a check. His bank is in Ohio, but his address on the check is New Mexico.
Me: New Mexico?
Alan: Yeah, I teach at Western New Mexico University now.
Me: Really? Kind of a long commute.
Alan: Yeah it's a three day drive.
Me: Umm… ok.
The guy is keeping his house in the mid-west and driving back and forth to his job in New Mexico. That's easily the longest commute I've ever heard of.
My mom called me at work yesterday saying she wanted to stop by to see me. Immediately I was thinking mama drama. You know the expression. If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
But no, there was no drama. My mom was sorting through her great piles of junk and found something of an heirloom: my father's "yearbook" from when he went through basic training for the Navy in 1968. After apparently wrestling with the idea for two months, she finally decided to give it to me.
I'm so glad she did.
My father looks so young in those photos. He was only 19 or 20 then. Those pictures were from years before I was born, before he'd even met my mother.
Somebody stole our damn trash can. The company contracted by the city for trash pick up provides specific trash cans for us to use. Three different sizes are available, each at a different rate. I came home from work yesterday to find that some bitch had switched our large size can for a medium.
So… Michael Douglas stole my trash can.
I've been getting hammered by comment spam this week. In just a few days I've had at least 500. My filters have caught all of them, but it's still annoying. I do find it somewhat entertaining to read some of them. It's odd the kind of things that spammers think will catch your eye. Here are a few examples:
drunktv free scat movies amatuer video
fuck my drunk wife fucking drunk moms drunk yoda
free tranny pics pregnant model reverse gangbang
fat grannies gay teen boys brunettes nude
horse cumshots athletes foot amateur masterbation
forced anal drunk bitches japanese anime porn
camel toe rate dog breeds daddy daughter sex
mardi gras history anal vibrator amateurindex
free bondage pictures lesbian manga gay oil wrestling
mc pee pants girl peeing drunk girls flashing
Ok, first of all, how do these spammers know I'm so into transvestite grandmother anime foot scat porn? And second, how do they know my secret rapper name is MC Pee Pants?
To masturbate or not to masturbate?
Okay so maybe it's not the eternal question, but it's at least an eternal question.
Image credit: Vincent Yu, AP
Something like ten days ago I stumbled on this news story that caught my eye. I've been way too lazy and unmotivated to post about it. Now I'm kind of glad for that. Now that I'm sitting down to flesh out the few hastily scribbled lines and pasted URLs that made up my rough draft, I'm thinking of and finding more and more foolishness to stuff into this.
I'm liking the way this has worked out. I should put off all of my posts for a week or so, just to see how many of them ferment into something more interesting.
Yeah, so, news story.
Stephen Hawking was in Hong Kong to give a lecture about the importance of space colonization.
Renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking from the University of Cambridge, front, is accompanied by his nurse during a visit at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology in Hong Kong Tuesday, June 13, 2006. [Emphasis mine.]
So that's his nurse, huh? I wonder if she was hired for her nursing ability or her cleavage. I wouldn't make Hawking a bad guy if he picked this young woman only because she's a pretty blonde who wears low cut tops. I mean, every guy has a naughty nurse fantasy, right? So Hawking gets to have that fantasy all day everyday. More power to him.
Of course it's entirely possibly she's Hawking's nurse solely because she's the best damn nurse in the history of nursing.
Image credit: Miramax Home Entertainment
I still can't help but be reminded of Christopher Walken in Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead.
She's a "10." She is a planet unto herself. She can't nurse worth a shit but I keep her on because, although I can't feel it, I know I have erections in her presence.
Hawking's nurse is no Jenny McCarthy, but still. I'm thinking the same principle applies. Can you picture Hawking spitting out some of Walken's lines in that artificial computerized voice of his?
You should check out a genuinely funny Stephen Hawking impression.
Now that I look back on this post, I think the whole thing sucks. It's muddled. It's unfocused. You probably shouldn't have wasted your time reading it.
Changes: added new variables (bushPeople and bushThings arrays now have twenty variables; no more variables will be added), all arrays now completed
Download here: http://feastofcrumbs.com/downloads/bushpornv06.js (hotlinking disabled, use this on your own web space)
Or copy and paste these blocks into your document/template.
For your document <head>:
<script type="text/javascript" language="JavaScript"> var bushPeople=new Array( 'George W. Bush ', 'Jenna Bush ', 'Barbara Bush ', 'Laura Bush ', 'Barney the dog ', 'Jeb Bush ', 'Columba Bush ', 'George P. Bush ', 'Jeb Bush Jr. ', 'Noelle Bush ', 'Neil Bush ', 'Lauren Bush ', 'Pierce Bush ', 'Ashley Bush ', 'Marvin Bush ', 'Marshall Bush ', 'Walker Bush ', 'Dorothy Bush ', 'Robert Bush ', 'Pauline Bush ' ); var bushActions=new Array( 'snelches ', 'snowballs ', 'cornholes ', 'teabags ', 'alligator slaps ', 'logjams ', 'bagpipes ', 'six-packs ', 'fists ', 'daisy chains ', 'dry humps ', 'fluffs ', 'hot plates ', 'KitKats ', 'monkey cups ', 'muppets ', 'Neopolitans ', 'circle jerks ', 'Picassos ', 'sherbet dips ' ); var bushThings=new Array( 'on a webcam', 'in the First Lady\'s box', 'midgets', 'horses', 'invalids', 'corpses', 'clowns', 'toothless old ladies', 'gay whales', 'altar boys', 'hermaphrodites', 'Britney Spears', 'Terry Schiavo', 'shemales', 'Smurfs', 'stray dogs', 'interns', 'foreign insurgents', 'hairy transvestites', 'small Asian men' ); </script>
For your document <body>:
<script type="text/javascript" language="JavaScript">document.write( "<h2 class=\"sidebar-title\">Random Bush Family porn</h2><ul><li>" + bushPeople[ Math.round(Math.random()*(bushPeople.length-1)) ] + bushActions[ Math.round(Math.random()*(bushActions.length-1)) ] + bushThings[ Math.round(Math.random()*(bushThings.length-1)) ] + "</li><li><a href=\"http://feastofcrumbs.com/blog/2006/06/random-bush-family-porn-generator-v06/\" title=\"A Feast of Crumbs: Random Bush Family porn generator v0.6\">Get your own copy</a></li></ul>");</script>
(I throw, he misses)
Me: Don't run away from it.
The Chicken: Ok, Dad.
(I throw, he misses.)
Me: You're still running away from it.
Chicken: I'm trying, Dad!
Me: Alright, ok. Keep trying, Buddy.
(I throw, he misses.)
(I throw, he misses.)
(I throw, he misses.)
(I throw, he misses.)
Me: Try to get yourself in front of it.
Chicken: Ok, Dad!
(I throw, he misses.)
Me: Don't be afraid of the ball. The ball's not afraid of you.
Chicken: Dad! I know the ball isn't afraid of me, you nut head!
Me: Hey!
Chicken: Sorry, Dad.
(I throw, he misses.)
[Return to top of post, stir, repeat.]
Flight for life-
the Angel of Death
rides shotgun
Yeah. So the Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup. I barely care about this. I've never been much of a hockey fan. I've tried, but I've never been able to get interested in the sport. I guess it's just not my thing.
Even so, I was still rooting for Edmonton of empathy for a few blog pals who have lately seemed to live and die by the Oilers. So yeah. Bummer that the 'Canes won. What really annoys me is the location of the winning team: North Carolina.
That just seems wrong. Phoenix, Los Angeles, Dallas, Tampa, Atlanta… how on Earth did professional hockey take root in these places? It seems so odd that a game played on gigantic sheets of ice could be so popular in places where the weather is not capable of creating and sustaining gigantic sheets of ice.
I'm just sayin'.
Last night:
Me: Did I tell you I started a new book?
The Bunny: Yeah?
Me: Yeah. (Blah blah blah, blahbedy blah blah….)
(pause)
Me: (Blah blah blah, blahbedy blah blah….)
(pause)
Me: (Blah blah blah, blahbedy blah blah….)
Bunny: You know I love you?
Me: Ye-e-ah.
(pause)
Bunny: Uh, that's it?
Me: Oh. The way you said that seemed like "I love you… but I wasn't really listening."
(silence)
Me: Or did you intend to leave that unsaid?
(pause)
Me: Ri-i-i-ght.
Bunny: Uh, I'm sorry sweety, I was kind of blocking you out there.
Me: 'sokay. I was just talking about how you're not listening.
Bunny: hahaha!
Me: Seriously, that's what I was talking about.
Bunny: Umm… ok!