Do you remember last month when Maxim announced their 2007 Hot 100 list? If you're like me, you were just about outraged that someone (anyone!) still thought good ol' Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan was the hottest woman in the world. Clearly the editors of Maxim were just phoning in that list. They've surely spent the last two years obsessively watching Lost and just slapped a list together at the last minute. I'll bet they took a big pile of "guess the boobies" flash cards, threw them in the air, and built their list to match the order in which they picked them up.

Then today I check their site to find exactly when that ill-considered list was announced and I see this:

 
"We know you naturally fear women?" What the fuck are these people talking about? I know they're trying to be funny, but even pretending to cater to readers who fear women erodes their credibility when they're proselytizing on what is, and is not, hot.

Fuck that. We need a better list than what those boners have come up with, like the new one from AfterEllen.com. After Ellen is billed as "News, Reviews & Commentary on Lesbian and Bisexual women in Entertainment and the Media." Right on! They don't fear women, they love women!

Let's check out their list:

1. Leisha Hailey - Who? Oh, L Word. Right. Haven't seen that show.

2. Angelina Jolie - Oh, come on! This woman is nasty. Why do people insist on thinking the scrawny women with bee stung lips is hot?

3. Kate Winslet - Yes! They call her practically perfect, and I'm inclined to agree.

4. Lena Headey - Who?

5. Sarah Shahi - Ditto.

6. Jennifer Beals - Flashytits is still around? I had no idea.

7. Tina Fey - Awesome. Tina Fey is top of the charts in the smart/sexy category.

8. Jordana Brewster - Again, who?

9. Salma Hayek - If human cloning ever comes into style, can we please make many copies of her?

10. Natalie Portman - Not a terrible choice, but not a great one either. I still see her as the little girl in The Professional, which is creepy.

11. Eliza Dushku - Ooh, nice. I wouldn't have thought of her, but she's a great choice.

12. Scarlett Johansson - Women should be curvy. And ScarJo should be their queen.

13. Piper Perabo - Really?

14. Kate Walsh - Kinda looks familiar, but I can't remember if I've seen her before.

15. Keira Knightley - See, this is the disadvantage to letting lesbians create your list of hot women. Every now and again they choose one who looks like a boy.

16. Jodie Foster - Awesome. Halfway through her forties, she's still cute as a button.

17. Kate Moennig - Is everyone from the cast of The L Word on this list?

18. Elizabeth Mitchell - Um… looks familiar.

19. Halle Berry - How was she not top five?

20. Simone Lahbib - Who?

21. Emily Blunt - Clearly the readers of After Ellen have much more diverse tastes than I do. I don't know half these people.

22. Evangeline Lilly - My estimation of her sexiness will increase immeasurably if she lands that part in the Wonder Woman movie.

23. Erin Daniels - Who?

24. Michelle Rodriguez - Eh, no. But I can definitely see how her tough girl image landed her on the list.

25. Mariska Hargitay - Ooh, yeah! Hargitay is one of the few women who seems simultaneously beautiful and handsome.

26. Guinevere Turner - Who? (I know I could easily Google all these people, but I really don't care.)

27. Rachel Shelley - Who?

28. Kate Beckinsale - (swoon!)

29. Mary-Louise Parker - Yeah, she's definitely a cutie.

30. America Ferrera - I'm going to stop writing for the entries I don't know. I'm getting tired of saying "who?"

31. Helen Mirren - Oldest woman on the list so far, and that's not a bad thing. Mirren has bushels of class.

32. Lauren Graham - Is that the Bad Santa chick? "Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!" Yes. Definitely yes.

33. Carly Pope -

34. Portia de Rossi - Eh. She's not all that.

35. Gillian Anderson - I want Agent Scully to debunk my superstitions. She's all kinds of hot, but she hasn't done much since X-Files ended. I'm surprised she's remembered well enough to have placed so highly.

36. Lucy Lawless - I was wondering when we'd see her. At the end of her show's run, Xena was essentially a closeted lesbian. It makes sense that lots of women would still have a special place for her.

37. Pink - Her image is a little too sleazy for my taste, but her place in the list is understandable.

38. Jessica Alba - Eh. I wouldn't have chosen her at all

39. Kristanna Loken - Now her I would've chosen. ("I like your gun." heh.)

40. Clea DuVall - Oh, I love her! She's adorable!

41. Jessica Biel - Only #41? What the hell are they thinking?

42. Drew Barrymore - Um, no. Just… no.

43. Charlize Theron - She's way too skinny for my tastes, but I think she's unbelievably hot anyway.

44. Rachel Weisz - Oh, yes. She'd be on my list. (I'd make my own Hot 100 list, but I'm pretty sure the last 70 or so would just be random.)

45. Maggie Gyllenhaal - Young, girlish, goofy and can charm the pants off just about anyone.

46. Gina Gershon - Eh. Kinda looks like she was hit by a truck of what-the-fuck.

47. Meryl Streep - Never really done anything for me.

48. Cate Blanchett - No. Great actress. I don't think I've ever seen her in anything I didn't really like. But still, no.

49. Mandy Musgrave -

50. Ellen DeGeneres - She's one the cutest women ever. But I dunno.

51. Famke Janssen - I'm neutral on Famke. Sometimes I think she's hot, sometimes I don't.

52. Naomi Watts - Yes. She's so thin, she's invisible when she turns sideways, but she's so pretty.

53. Olivia Wilde -

54. Penelope Cruz - Great figure, but her pouty look does nothing for me.

55. Queen Latifah - Eh, I dunno. She's very pretty, but I can't help but associate her with goofy comedies.

56. Kristen Bell - I pinkpuffyheart her! And I'd pinkpuffyheart her even more if she'd eat a sandwich.

57. Maura Tierney - Yes! I love her.

58. Rachel McAdams - Eh.

59. Demi Moore - No. A little too tabloid for me.

60. Jorja Fox - Double no! I saw an episode of CSI where she was taking photos in a parking lot at night. Her profile looked surprisingly like Marilyn Manson.

61. Catherine Zeta-Jones - Yes! She hasn't been terribly active since she started birthing the hellspawn children of Michael Fucking Douglas, but she still deserves a spot.

62. Carmen Electra - No. Fake people go home.

63. Renee O'Connor - Hey, there's the other one! I'd put her higher than Lucy Lawless.

64. Sandra Bullock - The more craptastic movies she makes, the less cute I find her. She'd still be on my list, but barely.

65. Katherine Heigl - I feel like I should know her.

66. Karina Lombard -

67. Jennifer Garner - No. She does nothing for me.

68. Monica Bellucci - I dunno. Maybe?

69. Emma Thompson - Love that accent. She's British, by God.

70. Sarah Michelle Gellar - Eh.

71. Stockard Channing - No.

72. Lucy Liu - Maybe. She's not all that, but I love her characters.

73. Rose Rollins -

74. Alyson Hannigan - Yes! Possibly the cutest woman ever!

75. Neve Campbell - Possibly the second cutest woman ever! But what happened to her? I don't think I've seen her in anything new for years.

76. Jennifer Connelly - Sure. I would never have thought of her, but she's very pretty.

77. Kelly Clarkson - No. Definitely not. I have absolutely no sense of what she's really about. Maybe if she someday progresses beyond the "construct of the record company" stage.

78. Lauren Lee Smith -

79. Lindsay Lohan - Fuck no! She doesn't even make my top 1000. There are men that rate higher than her.

80. Sara Ramirez -

81. Mia Kirshner -

82. Angie Harmon - She's so cute! I wonder what she'd look like at a healthy weight.

83. Elisha Cuthbert - She's cute. But I want to hurt Kim Bauer, so… no.

84. Katee Sackhoff - #84? I thought for sure she'd have made top 10. Lt. Starbuck seems a natural for this list.

85. Stephanie March -

86. Evan Rachel Wood - She still looks so young. Ask me again five years from now.

87. Michelle Pfeiffer - She's not aging that well. Ask me again five years ago.

88. Parker Posey - No. I just watched her in Fay Grim, which I kind of hated.

89. Michelle Williams - Eh. She's ok. But we share a birthday!

90. Amber Benson - I'm inclined to say no, but wasn't she the one who had that scorching girl-on-girl kiss with Allison Hannigan? Ok, yes.

91. Deanna Casaluce -

92. Liv Tyler - No. She's moderately homely.

93. Sandra Oh - Eh.

94. Nicole Kidman - Definitely no. Anyone who could stay married to Tom Cruise that long must secretly be a demon. Besides, she's scrawny.

95. Susan Sarandon - I've never found her pretty.

96. Jackie Warner -

97. Allison Janney - Kind of a surprising choice. I like her, so yes.

98. Amelie Mauresmo -

99. Carrie-Anne Moss - Yes. Not especially pretty, not especially curvy. But she's one of two women in the world who might give me an erection by kicking me.

100. Catherine Deneuve - WTF? I won't let this list end like that.

101. Milla Jovoich - "Leeloo Dallas multipass!" Also, she's the other one of the two women in the world who might give me an erection by kicking me.

 
There are a lot more names I don't know on the After Ellen list, but overall I like their choices a lot more than Maxim's.