[Ed. note: republished with permission.]
 

First of all, have any of you missed the song lyrics? I've really been slacking on that. I threw out Disco Duck on the first day and never went back to it. To make up for that a bit, I'll toss this out now.

Everybody wants to understand you
Everybody wants to hold you in their arms
Well she's thrown away the key now
And locked the door
I don't think she'll come out anymore
 

(You may now commence Googling.)
 

Here's hoping that Mistress does, in fact, return as planned. When Mistress assigned me this task, her plan was to return to this blog within the next couple of days. Assuming that holds (and she's not held hostage by Colin Farrell and a leprechaun), this will be my last post here.

Let's take stock of things. I've got a lame introductory post, a four part interview, two photo posts, six haiku, the song lyrics above this, several tequila references, lots of boobage, and "A Day In The Life" (a.k.a. "Funniest Thing I've Ever Written.") Pretty good week, I think.

I want to thank Mistress Lulu for giving me the chance to fill her sassy black pumps while she's away. And I want to thank all of you for reading, for laughing with me, and, uh, for laughing at me.

I've been thinking that I want my last post to be something a little more serious. I discarded several ideas before I finally settled on this one: let's all say something nice to her. Let's fill Mistress Lulu's comments with sweet little missives about how much we missed her.

I'll get it started.

I've missed you, Lulu. My days are brighter when you're a part of them

[Ed. note: republished with permission.]
 

It's occurred to me that there's been very little "me" inserted into my posts here so far. I decided it's time to change that. Maybe you'd be interested to know what I've been doing while Mistress is away. Then again, maybe you wouldn't be interested in that at all. Either way, here is a rundown of how I spent my Wednesday.

6:05 - Alarm goes off. Curse, hit snooze button, roll over.

6:12 - Alarm goes off again. Curse, hit snooze button, roll over.

6:19 - Alarm goes off again. Curse, hit snooze button, roll over.

6:26 - Alarm goes off again. Curse, hit snooze button, roll over.

6:33 - Alarm goes off again. Curse, hit snooze button, roll over.

6:40 - Alarm goes off again. Curse, turn off alarm, curse again, get out of bed.

6:41 - Start shower. Try to remember details from wonderful dream about pygmies and alarm clocks.

6:48 - Wonder why honey almond scented shampoo does not taste as good as it sounds.

6:50 - Wash naughty bits thoroughly.

6:54 - Stop shower. Realize I still have a shampoo mohawk.

6:55 - Restart shower. Rinse head.

6:56 - Stop shower again. Dry off with faded Kim Possible beach towel.

6:57 - Wonder who would play Kim Possible in a live-action movie.

6:58 - Realize Gillian Anderson would be awesome as Kim Possible's mom.

6:59 - Bemoan the lack of a Pam and Tommy style Gillian Anderson sex tape.

7:00 - Brush teeth with Strawberry Shortcake toothbrush. Bemoan the lack of Strawberry Shortcake toothpaste that actually tastes like strawberry.

7:03 - Return to bedroom. Begin to select clothes.

7:04 - Have idea. Go to kitchen naked.

7:05 - Experiment with peanut butter underwear. Realize folly.

7:06 - Take second shower.

7:12 - Finish second shower. Dry off with second faded Kim Possible beach towel.

7:13 - Begin formulating list of genie wishes. Wish #1: sex with cartoon characters.

7:14 - Return to bedroom. Begin to select clothes made of fabric.

7:15 - Select least stained blue jeans and vintage Flock of Seagulls t-shirt.

7:16 - Sigh. Remember how Flock of Seagulls t-shirt first caught Mistress Lulu's eye.

7:17 - Return to kitchen. Wait for robot housekeeper to serve breakfast.

7:21 - Remember that real life not like The Jetsons.

7:22 - Sigh. Make mental note of genie wish #2: robot housekeeper.

7:23 - Toast bagel.

7:25 - Eat bagel. Drink juice from olive jar.

7:30 - Grab custom made "Lulu's Bitch" trucker hat and moped keys.

7:31 - Leave house for Mistress Lulu's place.

7:34 - Angrily shake fist at car full of laughing teenagers.

7:56 - Arrive at Mistress Lulu's place.

7:57 - Clean bugs off teeth. Resolve to close mouth when riding moped.

8:00 - Start work day at Mistress Lulu's.

8:01 - Google leprechaun pics.

8:13 - Find leprechaun flasher. Become excited. Touch self.

8:17 - Begin writing half-assed blog post.

8:32 - Phone shit in.

8:33 - Begin chores for Mistress.

8:34 - Grab hedge clippers. Go outside.

8:35 - Laugh hysterically at thought of trimming Mistress Lulu's bush.

9:02 - Stop laughing.

9:03 - Explain prolonged laughter to concerned neighbor. May have left neighbor thinking Mistress Lulu is lesbian dominatrix with shovel feet and pepperoni nipples.

10:19 - Finish hedges. Go inside.

10:21 - Check Mistress Lulu's blog for comments.

10:22 - Wonder if Kels is hot.

10:23 - Leave response comment.

10:25 - Take break.

10:27 - Try on all of Mistress Lulu's edible underwear.

10:39 - Lick funny black and white pair. Marvel at combination of white and dark chocolate flavors on one thong.

10:41 - Neatly fold edible underwear. Return to drawer exactly how I found them.

10:42 - Return to work.

10:48 - "Wash" dishes in back yard with aid of friendly stray dog.

11:32 - Stray dog tries to hump leg. Become excited. Touch self.

11:41 - Take lunch break.

11:42 - Walk to nearby take out restaurant.

11:50 - Order chicken soup. Flirt with girl at counter.

11:51 - Consider Mistress Lulu's displeasure at me flirting with counter girl.

11:52 - Consider Mistress Lulu's punishment for me.

11:53 - Become excited. Touch self.

11:55 - Select chips to go with soup. Bemoan lack of Funyuns. Select plain potato chips.

11:56 - Make mental note of genie wish #3: endless supply of Funyuns.

11:58 - Attempt to get soup and chips free by pointing to "Lulu's Bitch" trucker hat.

11:59 - Sigh. Pay bill with real currency.

12:02 - Return to Mistress Lulu's.

12:11 - Eat lunch at kitchen table. Make slurping noises with soup.

12:12 - Giggle at soup slurping noises.

12:31 - Stop giggling.

12:32 - Finish lunch.

12:35 - Lean back in chair. Pull lint out of navel.

12:37 - Save lint for Mistress Lulu.

12:50 - Check Mistress Lulu's blog for comments.

12:51 - Wonder if Will is hot.

12:52 - Leave response comment.

12:56 - Return to work.

1:02 - Decide to blow off work for the day.

1:03 - Sit on couch. Stare vacantly.

2:10 - Answer telephone.

2:11 - Woman on phone claims to be Mistress Lulu's grandmother. Don't believe her. Telemarketers are sneaky.

2:13 - Tell woman on phone Mistress Lulu is in Europe for experimental sex change. Woman makes funny wheezing noises. Woman falls over. Woman does not return to phone.

2:18 - Notice Post-It next to phone reading, "Grandma calls every Wednesday afternoon at 2. Be nice to her, slave."

2:19 - Realize I killed Mistress Lulu's grandmother. Shit pants.

2:21 - Wash ass. Change into Mistress Lulu's sweatpants.

2:41 - Sit on couch. Try to think of solution to dead grandmother problem.

4:02 - Become excited. Touch self.

5:15 - Hear noise. Run to front door. Angrily shake fist at damn neighbor kids messing with my moped.

5:18 - Return to living room.

5:20 - Sit on couch.

5:21 - Trim nose hairs with Mistress Lulu's fingernail clippers.

5:31 - Brush nose hair trimmings inbetween couch cushions.

5:33 - Consider Mistress Lulu's punishment for this transgression. Become excited. Touch self.

5:40 - Have idea for dead grandmother problem.

5:41 - Ride moped to Costco.

5:59 - Buy massive economy pack of Post-It Notes.

6:16 - Cover everything in Mistress Lulu's living room with Post-It Notes.

8:19 - Use last Post-It Note.

8:20 - Make mental note of genie wish #4: more Post-It Notes.

8:21 - Consider Mistress Lulu's anger at dead grandmother and living room full of Post-It Notes. Miss Mistress Lulu. Cry like little bitch with skinned knee.

8:28 - Become excited. Touch self.

8:32 - Imagine Kels and Will getting it on.

8:33 - Become excited. Touch self.

8:51 - Become hungry. Think about dinner.

8:54 - Raid Mistress Lulu's fridge.

8:57 - Find nothing worth eating. Decide to skip dinner.

8:58 - Experiment with inserting body parts into Mistress Lulu's condiments.

9:15 - Make mental note of genie wish #5: swimming pool full of sour cream.

9:22 - Wash naughty bits.

10:01 - Finished washing naughty bits.

10:04 - Raid Mistress Lulu's dresser.

10:05 - Wear favorite bra on head.

10:06 - Have idea.

10:07 - Ride moped to Blockbuster.

10:19 - Rent Weird Science.

10:30 - Remove Post-It Notes from TV and DVD player.

10:31 - Watch Weird Science.

10:49 - Feel spiritual bond with Anthony Michael Hall.

10:50 - Make mental note of genie wishes #6 and 7: mad scientist woman making kit, sex with Anthony Michael Hall.

12:02 - Finish watching Weird Science. Replace Post-It Notes on TV and DVD player.

12:12 - Yawn.

12:13 - Ride moped home.

12:38 - Arrive home.

12:40 - Undress. Realize I've been wearing Mistress Lulu's bra on my head for two and a half hours.

12:41 - Laugh uncontrollably.

12:48 - Climb into bed.

12:49 - Consider big redecorating project at Mistress Lulu's for weekend.

12:50 - Decide "Italian Man's Back Hair" is good motif for Mistress Lulu's bedroom.

12:52 - Become excited. Touch self.

12:56 - Call Carny Sex Hotline for lullaby.

1:05 - Fall asleep. Touch self in sleep.