Category archives for California sucks
Sunday, November 5, 2006
Ow. Ow. Ow.
ABC News reports yesterday in El Cerrito, California police arrested a naked man for carrying a concealed weapon. Let that sink in for a minute. Naked man… concealed weapon…
Ew!
A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors naked and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.
The story continues:
Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan [the suspect] removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident. [Emphasis mine]
A 6-inch metal awl. Up his ass. Holy fuckbuckets.
Wednesday, June 7, 2006
Why California sucks
Dani California, that is. You know "Dani California," the new Red Hot Chili Peppers song? Right from the first time I heard it I thought, "This sounds so familiar. Is this a cover song?" It turns out that it kind of is a cover song.
Somebody or other (The Bunny I think?) pointed out to me that the song sounds a lot like Tom Petty's "Last Dance With Mary Jane." Delaware DJ Dan Gaffney thought so, too. He made a brief mashup to highlight it.
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
And the winner is…
[Subtitle: It's about time I get off my ass and crown a winner.]
This year's contest was arguably a bigger success than last year's. Woohoo! I love it when things work out like that.
So after carefully considering all the entries I've chosen as the winner The Bunny for her haiku
Always fucking cold
Limited options year-round
Result? bars galore
Mmm… bars are good.
What's that? Biased? Whaaat? Ok, ok, maybe you're right. I am biased. But how many of you will take your pants off for me if I ask? Alright, alright, I'll pick a different winner.
Bunny for her other haiku
I live for sunshine
Bike, rollerblade, skateboard, jog
Any time of year
What? Still not cool? Damn you people. Where were you when Florida needed you in 2000?
Ok, the really for real winner is
West coast v. Mid-West
Nebraska and Utah, duck!
CAUTION- bad shrapnel.
And how did I settle on this one haiku? Two words, baby: bad shrapnel. I cannot get over that. I smile just thinking about it. Bad shrapnel. I love it. So, the winner gets the promised prize of 500 BlogExplosion credits.
For creativity, general cleverness and just because I can, I'd like to award Honorable Mentions to these haiku:
I live in Cali
which automatically
makes it way better.
Wish they all could be…
nothing rhymes with "the mid-west"
that's the difference.
California dream.
Everything is fake and faux.
Farms are my true love.
Between the palm trees,
And the endless fields of green,
Which state's virtue sings?
California or,
the mid-west? Neither, TEXAS!
The Lone Star is king!
California- UGH.
Better with Keeks and her
mid-western BOOBIES!!!!
Talk about Cali?
Compare it to the mid-west?
I want to lick butt!
We do miss those days
and she rocks but please don't
choose hers this year too
The mid-west versus Cali
Where should I begin?
Turns out that Fish is an Ass.
And I think that about wraps it up. Many thanks to everyone who played along. Let's do this again next year, too. 
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
2nd Annual Haiku Contest
It's been a year since the last one, so it's time again for the haiku contest! Born out of a search engine hit, last year's contest turned out to be smashing good fun.
Last year my blog was a very different thing than it is now, so we'll need a new theme. Last year it was anilingus, this year it's California vs. the mid-west. This year's prize will be 500 BlogExplosion credits. If you're not interested in the credits, at least you'll also have the respect and adulation of your peers. (Or something like that.)
So here's how it will work. I'll leave the contest open until noon CDT Monday May 1st. To enter, simply leave your haiku in a comment on this post. Anyone may enter. You may enter as many times as you like, but there will be only one winning haiku. Any haiku will be welcome, but only those following the 5-7-5 format and matching the California vs. the mid-west theme will be considered for the prize. You may take either side or neither side in the CA vs. mw foolishness; it won't effect your chances either way.
Ready to 'ku? I'll start it out.
Haiku submission:
just because it tweaks her
CA can suck it.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Ugh
I only had two extra days off. Coming back to work isn't supposed to feel this draining.
Monday morning recap:
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Work: sucks. Ugh. Double ugh.
-
Gregarius [sic]: cool. Now all I need is to find/build a notifier for my toolbar and it will be nearly perfect.
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John McCain: sucks. I'm pretty anti-conservative. I'm a left-leaning pinko liberal. But I'm not a big fan of bashing Republicans just because they're Republicans. (I mean, why bother? They give me so many real reasons to bash them.) John McCain is often the guy I hold up as an example of a Republican that doesn't completely suck. Or at least he used to be, before he started making kissy faces at Jerry Falwell. So apparently he's thinking about the big chair and starting his pandering a bit early.
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Arctic Monkeys: tentatively cool. I'm going to have to listen to their album Whatever You Say I Am, That's What I Am Not a few more times, but so far I like it.
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Rob Zombie: used to be cool. I'll tell you later after I've listened to Educated Horses if he's still cool.
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California: sucks. Sometimes California will try to swallow entire communities.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Why California sucks, part 8
Large chunks of ice will occasionally fall from the sky.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Why California sucks, part 7
California is full of self-absorbed neurotics.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Brian Grazer is a tool
So I'm half watching the Today show like I normally do on a weekday morning. High-powered Hollywood producer and frequent Ron Howard collaborator Brian Grazer was just on to talk about The Da Vinci Code. Apparently Grazer is one of those faux modesty people. He drops the names of his projects like nobody's heard of them.
I made this movie, 8 Mile, that was about hip hop…
I've got this little TV project, it's called "24"…
That's irritating. Does he actually think that's modesty?
Why California sucks: Brian Grazer lives there.
Monday, February 6, 2006
Why California sucks
Two words: race riots.
Revised: Everyone in California stinks of patchouli.