There's this woman I know, Helga. I've lived in three states, in a huge metropolis and in country townships, and Helga is the smarmiest, most unctuous, most disingenuous person I have ever met.
Several years ago, Helga moved to California. But she couldn't stay. She toughed it out for a few years until she had to get out. She had to come back to the mid-west because California was too fake for her.
Hypothesis: the most artificial person in the mid-west is more genuine than the least artificial person in California.
posted at 02/03/2006 10:19 am : Permalink
Categorized California sucks : Tagged artificiality
…that no one in California knows how to do: shake rock salt straight out of the bag and have it fall on the sidewalk in a nice even pattern.
posted at 01/05/2006 10:45 am : Permalink
Categorized California sucks : Tagged weather
The cold war between California and the mid-west is beginning to heat up a bit. Lulu shoots back with a list of ten things she would enjoy doing during a mid-western winter.
I'm not sure what's next. Maybe it's time for "California can suck it, part 2."
posted at 12/09/2005 04:15 pm : Permalink
Categorized California sucks : Tagged (no tags)
*The beginning of an ongoing series.
Everyone in California has ADD.
posted at 12/01/2005 02:05 pm : Permalink
Categorized California sucks : Tagged ADD
Ten reasons to live someplace with a real winter
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Summer is sweeter after you've gone through a real winter. You'll appreciate that warmth so much more when you realize it's fleeting.
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Cold weather affords more wardrobe choices than warm weather. I happen to think I look pretty good when sporting the layered look. And my favorite shirt is an orange fleece pullover. If it's not below 40 degrees outside, I'll break into a sweat just looking at that shirt.
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I like to wear hats. However, I do not like sweaty hat head. Therefore winter is also hat season.
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Sweater boobs. Aside from from bare and maybe bikinied, boobs look their best when they're straining a little against a sweater. Plus, sweater boobs are just as soft and fluffy as they look. Boobs + sweater = full-on booliciousness.
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Snuggling under blankets. "Come here, baby. It's cold. Come keep me warm." heh.
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The silence of everything. Falling snow muffles sound. If you've never experienced this, then you have no idea what I mean. But if you have experienced it, then you know how amazing it is. When snow falls, the city becomes silent and still. It gives me a sense of peace like nothing else.
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The beauty of everything. Cities are pretty damn dirty, and mine is no exception. All day and every day we create trash. We litter. Cigarette butts and gum wrappers go flying right out the car window. Our machines create grime and filth and oil stains everywhere. Every winter, Nature does her best to hide our vulgar mistakes by covering everything in a clean layer of pure white.
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Crisp air. If you've never been in the cold, you're going to think I'm crazy, but please just take my word for it. Winter air is different. It's dry, fresh, clean, and cold. Winter air "tastes" better. I swear, I can breathe deeper in the winter than in the summer.
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Spring skin. Sweater boobs are incredible, but after four or five months of covering every patch of exposed skin, I'm ready to see a little more. Women's spring fashions are like an advent calendar for summer. A little more clothing comes off everyday. I fell in love with Girlfriend when I watched her cross a parking lot in a sleeveless shirt on a warm March night.
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Bragging rights. Go through a -50 winter and you are immediately granted the authority to call "wimp" on anyone who hasn't.
posted at 10/26/2005 03:21 pm : Permalink
Categorized Ancient history, California sucks : Tagged weather