…since I posted music, hasn't it? No, not really. It's only been a month. But it feels much longer, so I'm posting a song anyway.

Did you know Keanu Reeves used to play bass for a band named Dogstar? 'strue. Most of their stuff is very forgettable, but I've always liked "Honesty Anyway" from their first EP, Quattro Formaggi. If you pretend all their songs are like that one, you can fool yourself into thinking they're a cool band.

Just yesterday morning I discovered the album with the coolest title ever: Man Man's Six Demon Bag. It's a shame the music seems so inaccessible. I've so far only had time to scan through a few of the tracks. At best it sounds a little like The Arcade Fire. At worst it sounds like atonal noise masquerading as experimental alt pop.

But who fucking cares! How about that album title? I wish I had a band so I could have used that album title before these boners in Man Man took it. Does anyone else remember the 1986 dipshit masterpiece Big Trouble in Little China? "Bastard sorcerer" Egg Chen had a six demon bag full of wind, fire and all sorts of things. ("Terrific, a six demon bag. Sensational. What's in it, Egg?") If you've forgotten the movie, you can refresh your memory at The Wing Kong Exchange, where fans are so obsessed they're even remaking the movie in a South Park style.

I read online last night that "six demon bag" is also a magic item in World of Warcraft. I'm pretending that doesn't exist. I choose to believe that only the original six demon bag is cool enough to inspire album titles.
 

*Normally I can go quite a long time without thinking about the 80s for longer than it takes to mentally shrug and wonder what the hell we were all thinking. Now this is, what, something like my fourth 80s nostalgia post in a month? Must be something in the air.

It's only two minutes, but I think it's captured the essence of the movie.

Night of The Comet! Night of The Comet! The greatest movie ever is finally on DVD! I was scoping out some DVDs at Wal-Mart, and there it was calling out to me, with a ray of sunshine falling on it and a choir of angels singing hosannas in the background.

I could swear I was signed up on some kind of kind of "notify me if ever this becomes available" list, but whatever. I'm not even going to get into all of you letting me down. Again. Night of The Comet is here. All is forgiven.

Oh, and yesterday was Bunny's birthday.

I should have added a password to our contest group. I think at least half of our group members are random strangers. Unless one of those faceless names near the top of the list is someone we actually know, it looks like I tied for the win.

Ok, let's see… where are those smack talkers? Oh, I see them. They're a little further down. I had to scroll to see them.

6:01 - Oh, God. Babawa Wawa. I hope this doesn't last long.

6:05 - This Ellen retrospective thing is mildly interesting. When I look at the footage of her in the 80s, I can't help but wonder if the clothes should have been a clue to her sexuality. But then, it was the 80s. We all looked retarded. Also, Ellen was the bomb in Finding Nemo.

6:09 - It sounds like Ellen just admitted being bisexual, not simply gay.

6:15 - I haven't seen Dreamgirls, and now I don't want to. If I wanted to see Jennifer Hudson give an American Idol performance, I would have watched her on American Idol.

6:21 - Yeah, what I just said. ibid and shit.

6:26 - Helen Mirren had a fling with Liam Neeson? That seems like an unlikely pairing.

6:30 - Mirren doesn't wear pants because she has a big butt, or so she says.

6:37 - Where the hell are the red carpet arrivals? Is that after Babawa Wawa? When does the ceremony start?

Fuck. Babawa Wawa will never end.

6:42 - Sister really did bring her laundry over. I thought she was kidding.

6:46 - Eddie Murphy's quitting acting in five years. And Sister's convinced he knocked up Scary Spice.

6:50 - And maybe he did.

6:52 - Sister needs to watch The Golden Child again. (I-I-I-I-I want the knife… please!)

6:56 - The website lied. Babawa eventually does go away.

7:01 - I'm pretty sure Leo looks better clean-shaven.

7:03 - Was Spike Lee wearing a hair-colored hat, or is his hair really that goofy looking?

7:05 - Greg Kinnear has powerful BO, apparently.

7:07 - First drag queen of the night!

7:09 - For Halloween, Keeks's going to be a hooker who dies of consumption.

7:12 - Will Smith looks great in a tux. Too bad he has no chance at all tonight.

7:13 - (Perk!) What's this about Cameron Diaz's pom pons?

7:15 - "Wide open Best Picture category?" Are these people watching the same awards?

7:17 - Gosling brought his mom and his sister? That boy is hillbilly pimpin'.

7:30 - This kinda sucks. I'm going to actually watch this thing.

[I took notes, with timestamps, from the couch. So pretend the rest of it is live.]

7:44 - When did Nicole Kidman get boobs? I think those are an optical illusion.

7:45 - Art Direction: Dreamgirls. Not Pan's Labyrinth? I start out with a loss. Go me!

7:48 - Maggie Gyllenhaal talks about presenting the Scientific and Technical Awards, which are so poorly regarded comparatively that they were awarded without fanfare at a different ceremony. In other news, Maggie Gyllenhaal was probably the only woman at the banquet.

7:55 - Will Farrell and Jack Black = comedy gold. Even in this, John C. Reilly has the supporting role.

7:57 - Best Makeup: Pan's Labyrinth. How could this one not win? I'm up 1-0 over Sister.

7:59 - Will Smith's kid can rock a tux too.

8:01 - Best Animated Short: The Danish Poet. Missed this one too. I went with Matchgirl.

8:02 - The Chicken impresses Auntie Sister with his reading skills by reviewing her ballot, and then scolds her for not picking Monster House for Animated Feature.

8:03 - Best Live Action Short: West Bank Story. Sister ties it at 1.

8:12 - I can't decide if the sounds effects choir is cool or not.

8:14 - Best Sound Editing: Letters From Iwo Jima. Sister takes the lead for the first time ever.

8:18 - Best Sound Mixing: Dreamgirls. And that lead was short-lived. Tied at 2/2.

8:22 - Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin. Alan Arkin? Really?

8:25 - I'm not sure how I feel about the dancers behind the screen thing.

8:27 - Zombies! Best. Oscars. Ever. Ok, it was a Diet Coke commercial, but it aired during the Oscars. That counts.

8:33 - Melissa Eth-er-idge plays her song and in the upper left appears a little map of my home county. For a second or two I thought Eth-er-idge was giving me a shout-out or something. Then I realized it was just the National Weather service telling me the sky is trying to kill us.

8:36 - Wait, the Oscars have gone green? Money is green. Haven't the Oscars always been about that? Or do they mean all the lights are powered by Malaysian boys laboring over hand-powered dynamos?

8:37 - Al Gore pretends to announce a candidacy and the orchestra drowns him out. Clever!

8:40-ish - Best Animated Feature: Happy Feet.

8:51 - Best Adapted Screenplay: The Departed. I take the lead again, 3/2.

8:54 - Didn't that goofy Chris guy used to be on MTV? Going from interviewing Poison on their hair to interviewing starlets on their dresses doesn't seem to be a career advance.

8:56 - I dug that AmEx commercial with Wes Anderson. They should let him script the Oscars next time. I'll bet it would be a lot more fun to watch.

8:58 - ABC News promo: Bob Woodruff reports. Fuck off and die. I've got nothing against Bob Woodruff, but he's not the only person to have something less than a Disneyland experience in Iraq.

9:02 - Best Costume Design: Marie Antoinette. Did this woman also design her own suit? No awards for that. In her favor, she gave props to Kubrick. Sister and I both advance to 4/3. (I think… my notes aren't perfect on this part, so please don't sweat my counts.)

9:04 - I can't see Tom Cruise in any kind of awards context without thinking about his fake ass laugh in the "power of film" segment at the 2002 awards.

9:06 - Sister may regret leaving her cell phone unattended. Someone named "kaci" texted "what are u doing tonite?" To which I replied on Sister's behalf "sex with horse, can't talk."

9:12 - I was barely paying attention, but some guy with Spy Kids in his portfolio just won something or other.

9:21 - Best Visual Effects: Pirates of The Caribbean. Duh. Superman Returns is my sentimental pick, but it just wasn't in the same league as Pirates. We both advance to 5/4.

9:24 - An impressionistic review of foreign language film? Time to go out for a smoke.

9:30 - Best Foreign Language Film: The Lives of Others. W-w-w-wha? Pan's Labyrinth is the only nominee to also be nominated in other categories. I figured this one was a lock. On the other hand, by thanking "Germany," the winner probably set a record by thanking 80 million people in a 30 second speech.

9:35 - I'm ready for Jennifer Hudson's 15 minutes to be over now.

9:43 - Sister's getting a giant Pantera tattoo on her back.

9:46 - ha! Seinfeld mentions the curious phenomenon of "soda welding."

9:47 - Best Documentary Feature: An Inconvenient Truth. Big surprise. I know it's Al Gore's movie and all that, but I didn't hear his name called. Why was he on stage? But it was nice to see him getting a little emotional about something in which he obviously believes, so I'll forgive him.

9:50 - Yes, yes. Ennio Morricone has a long and distinguished career. I get it.

9:55 - Memo to Celine Dion: please die.

9:58 - Somebody keeps putting a camera on Quincy Jones, who appears to be wearing a suit made from an old roller rink's drapes.

10:00 - Morricone's Italian acceptance speech seems a little surreal. Eastwood's translations remind me of Lost in Translation. (Right side, and with intensity.)

10:01 - Kate Winslet has some unibrow potential.

10:04 - During a commercial pimping a scratch-off lottery ticket, I noticed in the huge block of disclaimer text a gambling hotline number: 1-800-GAMBLE-1. I looked it up and that's the Gambler's Anonymous hotline. I think that phone number sounds like it should belong to a bookie.

10:20 - Jennifer Lopez: please die. Anybody remember Philip Michael Thomas? Back in his Miami Vice glory days, he called his career plan "EGOT." Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony. He actually thought he was going to win one of each. 20 years from now we're going to be laughing at J.Lo too.

10:21 - Everyone involved with the Dreamgirls medley: please die.

10:24 - I think Beyonce just tried to fellate that microphone.

10:27 - Queen Latifah! Now that's a big beautiful black woman. Jennifer Hudson: please die twice.

10:29 - This is really Al Gore's night. (I don't know why I wrote this note.)

10:35 - On further review, Will Smith needs some hair.

10:36 - Sister on the Miami Vice movie: "It wasn't horrible, I just thought it was a whole pile o' suck."

10:40 - Sister and I agree. Kate Winslet has serious unibrow potential. There's definitely noticeable clearance between each brow, but as Sister points out, it's "manufactured clearance." She may be Marty Scorsese's soulmate.

10:42 - "A fantastic panoply of actors?" What's a panoply?

10:44 - Jodie Foster is downright elegant, but her bangs need to be about an inch shorter. If they move when you blink, they're in your eyes too much.

10:45 - Fuck, I forgot Bruno Kirby died. And Don Knotts. And Jimmy Doohan, Jack Palance, Peter Boyle and Robert Altman. This is easily the saddest part of each telecast. They all go too soon, and always before I'm ready to say goodbye.

10:51 - What the hell is the matter with Philip Seymour Hoffman?

10:53 - Note to Sister: you don't borrow porn. It's just not done.

10:57 - If I see this iPhone commercial one more time tonight, I'm going to start firebombing.

11:03 - Best Actor: Forest Witaker. I love this guy. He's such a softie. This guy is so sensitive, so fearless with his emotions. I love him for it. But he's sure no writer. He read his acceptance speech from notecards and I still couldn't figure out what the hell he was saying.

11:07 - Best Director: Martin Scorsese. And it's about goddamn time. Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, Casino, Goodfellas, Gangs of New York… he's one of the greats of our time. The Departed isn't really that great. This award is about a brilliant career.

11:10 - There's no orchestra on Earth that will try to play Scorsese off the stage.

11:12 - Diane Keaton is pure class. Jack Nicholson is a caricature of himself.

11:13 - Best Picture: The Departed. I liked The Departed, but this was kind of a weak year. None of the nominees were really outstanding.

Final total: Me 12, Sister 11. Man, I suck. I remember one year I had 21 correct. But at least Sister hasn't won yet.

Time is running out for joining our Oscars contest.

Update: Er, never mind. The group is full. Who the hell are all those people?