I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah… psycho astronaut chick. Love triangle, 1500 kilometer drive, diapers, rubber tubing, pepper spray, attempted murder. Got it.
Oh, and Sunita Williams, a non-psycho lady astronaut, set a spacewalk record. Her news story will get buried, while the headcase gets page one. Poor woman.
You see anything in the news about the mayor of San Fransisco getting caught with his dick in someone else's wife?
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's re-election campaign manager resigned Wednesday after confronting the mayor about an affair Newsom had with his wife while she worked in the mayor's office, City Hall sources said.
Alex Tourk, 39, who served as Newsom's deputy chief of staff before becoming his campaign manager in September, confronted the mayor after his wife, Ruby Rippey-Tourk, told him of the affair as part of a rehabilitation program she had been undergoing for substance abuse…
Whoops.
You know, I really don't care about San Fransisco politics. Hearing people call Newsome things like "the next great progressive leader" really pricks up my ears, but I still just can't be bothered to pay attention to the guy. At least until someone mentions sex.
Gavin Newsome is kind of hot. He's a handsome man and a rising star, so he's got definite player potential. After all, here he is with two women trying to marry him:
So the guy can't go to the john without tripping over a willing woman. What kind of women does he choose? Here's his ex-secretary, Ruby Rippey-Tourk:
Nice! She's pretty. I can see why Gavin liked her. But what about his wife? From what was Newsome walking away when he got involved with Blondie there? Here's his ex-wife, Kimberly Guilfoyle:
Holy fuckbuckets! So… Newsome was married… to a guy in drag? He was in the process of divorcing Butch when he got involved with Blondie?
I so forgive him.
So it turns out the Nintendo Wii is a bigger hit than the Sony PlayStation 3. International Herald Tribune reports:
The competitive picture became clearer Tuesday, when Sony reported disappointing profits that industry analysts attributed largely to the shaky rollout of the PlayStation 3 and lukewarm demand for the complex machines.
By contrast, Nintendo said last week that its own third-quarter sales were up 40 percent from a year earlier, buoyed by Wii sales. Both consoles were hard to come by during the holiday shopping season. This week, visits to stores throughout the United States turned up several with PlayStation 3's in stock, while the Wii was sold out.
And further:
Nintendo recently announced that during the holiday quarter, it shipped 3.2 million Wii consoles and sold 17.5 million games. Sony said it shipped 1.84 million PlayStation 3's in the quarter, and sold 5.2 million copies of game software for the console.
Nintendo might sell even more Wiis if it could just make and ship more of them. Company officials said they were shipping around a million worldwide every month, half of those to the United States, but retailers have said they cannot keep them in stock.
I totally called that.
Bunny is at war with the cats. The cats, especially Bubbles, have this thing going where they like to bat around their water dish. Whenever Bunny fills the dish, the cats will promptly spill at least half of it all over the kitchen floor. Bunny's had it. She went with the nuclear option.
Have you seen anything about that Celebrity Big Brother racism thing? It's a big hullabaloo in countries where people actually watch the show, like the UK. There are lots of news stories about the controversy, including this one, with it's dumbest headline ever: Are reality TV shows manufactured to grab attention? Well, fucking duh, of course they are.
The second dumbest headline ever is over at ABC News: Some Say It's OK for Girls to Go Wild. I say, yes, it's ok for girls to go wild. In fact, I would strongly encourage it.
In 2002, IDF Sergeant Kevin Cohen was killed in the line of duty while in Gaza. His mother had his sperm extracted and frozen. After several years, she's finally won the right to have a volunteer woman inseminated with her dead son's frozen sperm. How creepy is that?
In Philadelphia, a criminal defense lawyer was caught naked with a 14 year-old girl. He was caught in the courthouse, by a Sheriff's deputy. There do not exist strong enough words to describe how fucked that guy is.
I always tried to like Amanda Congdon, but I was never able to pull it off. She's certainly genial, charming, interesting and all that. I was just never able to get into Rocketboom. I couldn't help but wonder about the fate of both Congdon and Rocketboom after their messy split.
Apparently things worked out pretty well for Congdon, who's now working for ABC News. In her current video report, she gets Tasered.
Alright, now I kinda like her. What's not to love about that?
The city's trash collectors. Because they're contracted union employees, they get paid days off for major holidays, right? This week they decided not to take off for New Year's Day. Apparently they decided they didn't want to work Saturday to make up for it.
Normally a holiday will put off everyone's trash pickup by a day. But not this week. The fuckers didn't take the day, and didn't tell anyone. Lots of people were caught unprepared when the trash collectors scooted through their neighborhood a day earlier than expected.
The arrangement the city has for trash pickup is such that if it doesn't fit in your trash can, it costs extra to pickup. Our issued trash can will fit about three bags of trash, which sometimes isn't enough for one week, let alone two. Each extra bag requires a $1.25 sticker affixed before it will be collected.
Those pricks who changed their schedule without telling anyone are going to cost us an extra five bucks next week. Bitches.
Me. I drive me buggy.
The other day I had a very awkward exchange with a customer where I had to admit that I may have lost his software. I apologized profusely, but passed the buck to Goat about resolving my fuck up to the guy's satisfaction. And I don't feel bad about that buck-passing bit. Goat's supposed to make those decisions.
Anyway, I turned my workstations inside out. I dug through the trash. I called every customer who'd picked up a machine any time after the guy with the lost disk dropped off his. Those were some embarrassing calls. "Um, yeah… could you check your laptop bag this…"
Retard that I am, I didn't really lose the guy's software. His CD was sitting right next to one of mine. I picked up his disk and filed it away in my rack by mistake. Even though I could distinctly remember putting away what I thought was my CD, I was completely unfazed by the fact that same CD was still sitting out.
I may be an idiot.
Keith Ellison, first Muslim in Congress. Had you seen any of the news stories about people bitching that he was going to take his oath of office holding a Qu'ran instead of a bible? Twits like Virgil Goode shouted things like "American values!"
Ellison is a beautiful, beautiful man. He took his oath of office holding the Qu'ran owned by Thomas Jefferson. How sweet is that? That's pretty goddamn clever on his part.
One of the front page stories in today's local paper is titled "Local reaction to resignation." They're talking about Rumsfeld's resignation, of course. The reporter got a sound bite from someone who's happy about it, someone who's upset about it and — perhaps to lend an air of authority — a community college political science professor, who had this to say:
I think this announcement has more to do with the election results than anything else.
Wow. Ya think? Thank you, Professor Obvious. What would we do without you?
ABC News reports yesterday in El Cerrito, California police arrested a naked man for carrying a concealed weapon. Let that sink in for a minute. Naked man… concealed weapon…
Ew!
A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors naked and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.
The story continues:
Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan [the suspect] removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident. [Emphasis mine]
A 6-inch metal awl. Up his ass. Holy fuckbuckets.
From the Los Angeles Times, Foley a Victim of Sex Abuse, Attorney Says.
Former Rep. Mark Foley, who resigned Friday amid reports that he had sent sexually explicit messages to House pages, was molested by a clergyman when he was boy, the Florida Republican's attorney said Tuesday. [Emphasis mine.]
And more:
[Foley's lawyer] Roth did not address the technicalities of the law Tuesday. Instead, he portrayed Foley as a victim who had battled alcoholism and the "shame" of abuse for nearly four decades.
Give me a fucking break. "Uh… um… it's not my fault, I was drunk… and… and… a pedophile priest made me do it!" What fucking ever. I really, really hope Foley sees some prison time for all of this.
At one point in time, nearly everyone has pissed me off. So far the only people in the entire world who've never pissed me off are Cheech Marin and Albert W. Richards of Danvers, Massachusetts. And I've got my eye on that Richards guy.
The person most pissing me off at this exact moment is John Boehner, who (not unusually) is engaging in the worst kind of politics.
Speaking of Democrats, Boehner told reporters, "I wonder if they're more interested in protecting the terrorists than protecting the American people." [San Francisco Chronicle]
What a fucking dick. I'm so sick of this shit. Why haven't we yet reached a point where we chastise any politician who tries to trick us with empty, slanderous sound bites? The logic that's always behind statements like this is "If my opponent does not agree with everything I say, then he surely must be in favor of clubbing your grandmother with a baby seal." This is like saying "If A = 8 and A is not equal to B, then B must equal Ricardo Montalban."
To be fair, Republicans aren't the only ones doing this. Democrats are just as guilty as anyone. I even caught my golden boy using this trick in one of his 2004 debates.
Why aren't more people crying foul on these jackasses when they make ludicrous statements like this one? Redirecting the focus of any argument is a disservice to everyone. America deserves a fair, reasoned discussion on important issues like terrorism. Asshats like Boehner need a smackdown.
Now that I think about it, I think I've got a solution for this. We need to hire some more people. There are 535 people in Congress, right? Figure about 65 people in the executive that need coverage and we'll need to hire about 600 more people. This particular job will be simple and enough fun that we won't need to pay these 600 people very much. Each these 600 people will be assigned one elected official. Whenever the elected official says anything like Boehner did, these reality check helpers will yell "BULLSHIT!" just to make sure no one is suckered by the foolishness.
I imagine there'd be an adjustment period where it seems like the reality check helpers are shouting themselves hoarse, but eventually things would normalize. After that, we might never again hear another politician speak.