Category archives for Snippets

Monday, December 3, 2007

It's not just teachers

(I'm at work. The phone rings.)

Me: Hello?

The Chicken: Hi, Dad.

Me: Hi, Buddy. What's up?

Chicken: When you come home from work, can you go to the video store and bring home Super Mario Galaxy?

Me: Yeah, I can do that.

Chicken: Thanks, Dad.

Me: You're welcome. So how was school today?

Chicken: Good.

Me: Did you learn anything neat?

Chicken: Um… … um…

Me: Nothing interesting?

Chicken: Ooh, we learned that spider's silk is stronger than steel.

Me: Yeah? That sounds like it was a fun lesson.

Chicken: Yeah, it was. I know you told me that it was stronger than steel but I didn't believe you. Now that my teacher said it, I believe it.

Me: heh. Is that so?

Chicken: Yeah.

Me: You know, grown-ups who aren't teachers know things too.

Chicken: Um. Yeah. I guess so.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Lollipop?

(We're sitting around the living room, each doing our own thing. Out of the blue…)

The Chicken: I love you, Dad.

Me: I love you too, Buddy.

Chicken: I'd love you more if you gave me a lollipop.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Late Saturday morning

(On the couch playing video games)

The Chicken: Hey Dad?

Me: Hey Chicken.

Chicken: You know what my favorite pet would be?

Me: Dunno. What?

Chicken: A monkey.

Me: Named "Goof?"

Chicken: Yeah, a monkey named Goof. Do you think that would be cool?

Me: Dunno. Maybe.

(pause)

Chicken: With a nacho hat.

Me: A monkey named Goof with a nacho hat?

Chicken: Yeah. But not to eat, just to wear. Do you think that would be cool?

Me: Dunno. Maybe.

(pause)

Chicken: Hey Dad?

Me: Hey Chicken.

Chicken: I like our Saturdays together.

Me: Me too, Buddy.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

That's my boy

(Last Friday) (I know, I've been lazy, shut up!)

The Chicken: Hey Dad?

Me: Hey Chicken.

Chicken: Do you know how the gas makes the car go?

Me: Yes.

Chicken: Will you tell me?

Me: It's kind of long. Are you going to pay attention?

Chicken: Yes.

Me: Ok. You know how we put the gas into the gas tank, right?

Chicken: Yes.

Me: There's a pump, the fuel pump, that pulls the gas out of the tank and through the fuel line up to the engine.

In the engine the gas goes into the fuel injectors where it's mixed with ordinary air. See, the car runs on air with a little gasoline added. It's about 14:1 air to gas and it's called the "fuel/air mixture."

From there the mixture goes into the cylinders, where combustion happens. Cars are "four stroke" engines, meaning that each piston has four states.

The first is intake, where the piston drops down and creates vacuum pressure to pull the mixture into the cylinder.

Then the valves at the top of the cylinder close and the second stroke begins: compression. The piston moves up to squeeze the mixture.

The third is the power stroke. The spark plug will create, well… a spark inside the cylinder. This makes a little explosion as the mixture ignites. The piston is forced downward, creating all the energy of the engine.

The fourth is exhaust, where the other valve at the top of the cylinder opens and the piston moves up to push out the leftover gases from the power stroke.

Each of the pistons is connected at the bottom to a rod called the cam shaft. The movement of each piston is linked to all the others. When one piston is moving down, another is being pushed up. The little explosion from one piston's power stroke creates the force used in another piston's compression stroke. All of the pistons firing together create a continuous rotation on the cam shaft.

The cam shaft runs into the transmission where a series of gears will adjust how the motion of the cam shaft is used, like different gears on a bicycle.

Different cars do the next part in different ways, but basically the transmission connects to the axle and turns the rotation of the cam shaft into rotation of the axle. The wheels are connected to the axle, so when that turns the car rolls down the road.

(pause)

Me: You understand?

(pause)

Me: Chicken?

Chicken: Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening. Tell me again.

 

(Tuesday night)

Chicken: Mom?

Bunny: Yeah?

Chicken: Do my nails look girly?

Bunny: Your finger nails?

Chicken: Yeah.

Bunny: Lemme see.

(He shows her)

Bunny: They're getting long. They do look a little girly. We should trim those when we get home. Will you remind me to trim your nails when we're at home?

Chicken: I don't want my nails trimmed! How am I going to scratch myself?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Yeah, alright shut it

(Ran into my sister last night while shopping)

Sister: How you doin'?

Me: Yo.

(She points to my shopping bag)

Sister: What'd you buy?

Me: Want to see?

Sister: Show me, show me!

(A pull out an item)

Sister: Smallville?

Me: Shut up, Smallville is cool!

Sister: Uh-huh.

Me: Fuck ya, I'm not showing you what else I bought.

Sister: I'm strangely ok with that decision.

(pause)

Me: Ok, I want to show you.

(I pull out the other item)

Sister: I have no idea who that is.

Me: Paul Potts?

Sister: Yeah, no idea.

Me: You know that show America's Got Talent?

Sister: Yeah.

Me: There's a UK version, Britain's Got Talent. This guy won the show. He's a pudgy, dumpy Welsh cell phone salesman who sings opera.

Sister: Uh… ok?

Me: He's really good. The guy's extraordinary.

Sister: Hm.

Me: I like to think of myself as a sensitive guy, right? But still, I'm not especially mushy-headed. This guy, his voice… when I hear him sing, I get teary-eyed.

(pause)

Sister: Uh… ok!

(pause)

Me: Yeah, alright, fuck ya then.

Sister: heh. I'm not judging!

Me: You're just… processing.

Sister: That's a lot to take in.

(pause)

Me: Yeah, alright, fuck ya then.

Sister: Ok!

Me: Ok iloveyoubye!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Say wha?

(At the bus stop)

The Chicken: Dad?

Me: Yeah?

Chicken: What's your favorite car?

Me: 1974 series 3 Jaguar XKE convertible, red paint, cream interior.

Chicken: Oh. My favorite car is the slug bug.

Me: Yeah?

Chicken: Yeah. Can you still buy slug bugs?

Me: Yeah, they're a current car. But you and your cousins are the only ones who call it a slug bug.

Chicken: What does everyone else call it?

Me: Volkswagon Beetle.

Chicken: That's it's name?

Me: Yeah.

(pause)

Chicken: Dad?

Me: Yeah?

Chicken: What's your favorite car?

Me: I just told you. 1974 series 3 Jaguar XKE convertible, red paint, cream interior.

(pause)

Chicken: I have no idea what you're saying.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Mm, tasty!

Bunny: Is that… (sniff, sniff) I think… (sniff, sniff) I think I smell cat piss.

Me: Oh no. Really?

Bunny: (sniff, sniff) Yeah, all of a sudden I smell it. (sniff, sniff) I can't figure out where that smell is coming from. (sniff, sniff… sniff, sniff)

(pause)

Bunny: I think maybe it's your burger.

Me: My burger?

Bunny: I didn't smell it until you brought that over here. (sniff, sniff)

(pause)

Bunny: Yeah, it's your burger. Your burger smells like cat piss.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Clearly he doesn't know how this game is played

(In the pool at the health club)

The Chicken: Dad, let's play Simon Says!

Me: Eh. I don't want to play that.

Chicken: Please, Dad?

Me: Ok, ok… just a little while.

Chicken: You go first, tell me what to do!

Me: Simon says… hop on one foot.

(he hops)

Me: Simon says stop hopping.

(he stops)

Me: Simon says… pat your head.

(he pats)

Me: Simon says… rub your belly.

(he rubs, and goofs it up almost immediately)

Me: Ah, you lose!

Chicken: Dad, that one's too tough! Do something else!

Me: Alright, alright… Simon says… jump up and down.

(he jumps)

Me: Simon says… stick your hands up in the air.

(he puts up his arms)

Me: Simon says… stick up just your index fingers.

(he folds the other fingers down)

Me: Simon says… yell "I'm #1!"

Chicken: I'm #1!

Me: Simon says… yell "I pee my pants!"

(he stops dead)

Chicken: (whispering) Dad, I'm not going to say that. People will hear me!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Why didn't I see that coming?

(Last night)

Me: Ok buddy, hop into bed.

The Chicken: Don't forget the closet light, Dad.

Me: I won't. Do you want this window open?

Chicken: No thanks.

Me: Are you sure? It's a little warm in here.

Chicken: Hm… ok, just a smidge.

(pause)

Chicken: Dad?

Me: Yeah?

Chicken: Do people ever climb in through open windows to steal from houses?

Me: Oh, sure! All the time!

Chicken: (hesitant) Really?

Me: Yeah, really.

(pause)

Me: But not second floor windows, you goof.

Chicken: Oh, ok.

Me: How would somebody get in your window? There's nothing to climb or stand on.

Chicken: They could use a ladder.

Me: True, they could. But we live on a busy street. Nobody's going to do something like that.

Chicken: No?

Me: Of course not. Why would a crook risk propping a giant ladder against the side of the house when it would be easier and less conspicuous to break a window downstairs?

Chicken: Oh, yeah. I guess that makes sense.

(pause)

Chicken: Dad?

Me: Yeah?

Chicken: Do you think someone's going to break a window downstairs to come in and rob us?

 

Why the hell did I not see that trap from a kilometer away? I may have given our son a long-term burglar phobia.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Genie wishes

The Chicken: Dad?

Me: Yeah?

Chicken: If you had a magic genie lamp with three wishes, what would you wish for?

Me: Easy. More wishes.

Chicken: I'd wish for a year's supply of moon rings.

Me: You know they're "mood" rings, right?

Chicken: Yeah, moon rings.

Me: Mood. Mood rings. Em oh oh dee. Mood rings.

Chicken: Yeah yeah, mood rings. I want a year's supply of mood rings.

Me: You know that's like, one ring, right?

Chicken: What?

Me: Mood rings aren't consumable items.

Chicken: What's that mean?

Me: A mood ring lasts pretty much forever. It doesn't expire or spoil. You don't use them up. A year's supply is one mood ring.

Chicken: No, Dad! I want 365 different moon rings so I can wear a new one every day.

Me: Mood rings.

Chicken: Moooood rings!

Me: heh. Ok! So that's really your first wish?

Chicken: I want lots of mood rings.

Me: I would have thought your first wish would be super powers.

Chicken: That's a good idea. I want super powers for my second wish.

Me: What about your third wish?

Chicken: More wishes.

Me: Good plan.

Chicken: You know what I'd want for my next wish?

Me: What's that?

Chicken: A swimming pool full of taffy.