Tag archives for Benedict

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Pope warns drug traffickers of divine justice

Pope warns drug traffickers of divine justice

I didn't read that article. There's no possible way the real story could live up to my expectation:

Image: Robopope!

Link:

Pope Revises Limbo for Babies

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Yeehaw!

Cowpope
Ride 'em, Cowpope!

Friday, June 3, 2005

Table For Two, part 3.5b (a.k.a. The Part That Has Nothing To Do With Anything)

Joseph thought a moment then asked, "Why am I here?"

Karol grinned broadly. "Now we are getting somewhere."

An uncomfortable silence, seeming to last about six weeks, fell between them. Joseph realized it was his turn to speak. "So… why am I here?"

Karol gave him a strange look. "How should I know?"

"But… I thought you would know."

"What gave you that impression?"

"Well, you did, Karol. Through all of this you've implied that you know everything. You've made it seem like you're just toying with me, making me suffer for the answers."

Karol grinned. Cake crumbs fell from the corner of his mouth. "Yeah, I did do that, didn't I? I was just fucking with you. Sorry about that."

Joseph was stunned. He sat slackjawed for several minutes. How could his mentor do this to him?

The silence again became uncomfortable. Not knowing what else to do, he reached for a handful of candies.

"Mmm. You'll like those, Joseph. They're the best krowki I've ever had."

Joseph said nothing.

Most unexpectedly, a pig then began to hover at the edge of the table. Its ponderous bulk was impossibly supported by tiny wings beating slowly in the stillness.

The pig looked at Joseph and spoke with a nearly-human voice. "This story sucks. Don't you know that all the best allegories have talking animals? You don't even have any rabbits."

Joseph said nothing. The pig made a movement that looked suspiciously like a shrug, then took a poppy seed cake in its mouth and fluttered away.

"Karol, what was that?"

"Why do you keep looking to me for the answers? Ask that putz behind the keyboard."

"What keyboard? What are you talking about?"

Karol sighed heavily. "You just don't get any of this, do you? We are part of an unfinished story."

"I don't understand."

"You don't understand shit, do you, Joseph? There's this guy, right? And he's writing this story, right? The story is about you and me. You with me so far?"

Joseph nodded apprehensively.

"The story is unfinished. There's no conclusion yet. You and I must sit here and wait."

"Ok, I follow you so far," Joseph said, thought he wasn't sure he followed at all.

"We have the kind of freedom right now that we have never known. We're between chapters. We're not bound by morality, ethics, physics, history, or even time. For us, reality itself ceases to exist when we're between chapters."

"I see. I think." Joseph thought a moment then asked, "Why am I here?"

"Dammit! Haven't you been listening to anything I've said? The guy behind the keyboard doesn't have an answer to that question yet. We're between chapters! We're not bound to the narrow confines of one guy's story. We can do anything!"

"Anything? Really?"

"Yes, Joseph, anything."

Joseph's brow furrowed. He was obviously thinking very hard.

"Karol?"

"Yes, Joseph?"

"Can we get some hookers?"

Karol grinned broadly. "Now we are getting somewhere."

Thursday, May 5, 2005

Trash day

Think of this as trash day. I'm tossing out all the little things I've wanted to write about but weren't big enough to merit their own post. So I'm cleaning out those three sentence posts I've got saved as drafts. Revel in my randomness!

 

Two really trivial things that bug the shit out of me

  1. DVDs that don't let you skip forward to the menu. The perfect DVD would have me pushing that play button within three seconds of inserting the disk. Anything more than that is hijacking my time. I bought the DVD for the movie, not for previews, animated menus, and several minutes of Interpol notices.

  2. Those magnetic yellow ribbons that people stick on the back of their cars. Supporting the troops is great, but isn't that the default position? Everyone supports the troops. I know some people that are rabidly anti-war. Even those people love the 25th Infantry Division. They just hate the way they're being used. Everybody knows that supporting a war is different from supporting the troops. And besides, the troops who need support aren't hanging around behind your SUV to see your pretty magnet. Exactly how is your magnet supporting the troops, anyway? Supporting the troops means writing letters, sending care packages, actually doing something. Your magnet is for you, not for them. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm on to you.

 

Four reasons I want to be a vampire

  1. I want to live forever. Not for some egocentric "I am the lizard king" bullshit reason, but so that I can watch all that history roll by. I'm picturing in my head scenes from The Time Machine, where everything zooms past and Rod Taylor watches the changing fashions on the mannequin across the street.

  2. Vampires tend to wear much cooler clothes than I do.

  3. Vampires stay up all night and sleep all day. That's kinda what I do now anyway.

  4. Vampires have really cool soundtracks.

 

Three outbursts

  1. Favorite exclamation that I have yet to use: crap mackerel! (Thanks, Blog Kris)

  2. Favorite insult that delights me whenever I hear it: ass clown. (Thanks, Chevalier)

  3. Favorite insult that I use all the time: slow-learning mouth-breather. (Thanks, uh… whoever)

 

Two unrealistic desires

  1. You've seen the old James Bond movies, right? There was one where Bond is skiing down a mountain with bad guys chasing him. He skis right off a cliff. But rather than plummeting to his doom, we suddenly learn that he's wearing a parachute. The chute pops out. The theme song plays. That's what I want. Just once I want to do something so outrageously cool that I hear the James Bond theme in the background.

  2. Recently I tried a new brand of condom, Inspiral. The package lists quotes from GQ, Cosmopolitan, and Men's Health, each quote saying some variation of "Top Rated." That's what I want. I want to be the condom rating guy.

 

Three news stories that caught my eye today

  1. You heard about today's bombing outside the British consulate? Reuters has a headline about it: NY blast could have link to Britain or Middle East. So… the bomb in front of the British consulate might be related to Britain? At least they aren't jumping to conclusions.

  2. BBC News reports a guy sold the Pope's car on eBay Germany. Don't get excited… it's not the Popemobile. It's some car the Pope owned five or six years ago. The winning bid of 189,000 Euros was from GoldenPalace.com. What the hell are those guys doing? Are they planning a Museum of The Weird? They bought the Virgin Mary grilled cheese, a porn star's breast implants, advertising space on a woman's chest, Britney's used home pregnancy test kit, the naming rights to a newborn, etc., etc.

    I wonder how much I can get for my soul?

  3. Remember when Al Gore took too much credit for "creating the internet?" The truth is that he was a powerful and consistent voice, always pushing for more funding and development when he was in Congress and the Vice President's mansion. The organizers of the Webby Awards are belatedly trying to make sure he gets his due. The Washington Post reports that Gore will receive a lifetime achievement award for… well, creating the internet. The award will be presented June 6th by internet pioneer Vint Cerf.

 

Three search engine hits

Rhona MitraMe-ow!

  1. #2 on Yahoo! for ann coulter haiku. See? I knew there was an unfulfilled demand.

  2. #6 on Google U.K. for played deputy prime ministers secretary in ali g indahouse. I thought everybody knew about IMDb, but apparently this guy didn't. The actress in question is world-class hottie Rhona Mitra.

    On a related note, why is it we still use the word "played" interchangeably with "acted," but we no longer use "player" interchangeably with "actor?"

  3. #1 on Google for Too my salad. I've got so much anilingus here, there's even some left over for those who can't spell.

 

Two memories from my childhood

  1. Years ago, the world didn't seem to be such a dangerous place for children. Parents could let their kids go to the park without fearing they'd never return. I'm just old enough to have caught the end of that era.

    There was this one time my mother went to this ceramics store. She must have been afraid I'd break something, because she had me wait out on the sidewalk. I was about six years old and I was just standing there waiting. A car pulled up in front of me. I don't remember what kind of car it was, but I remember it was really shiny. A man got out of the car and headed toward one of the other shops. He saw me looking at his car and he said something like, "Hey, kid. If you watch my car, make sure nobody touches it, I'll give you ten dollars when I get back." Of course I agreed.

    I spent the next five minutes or so guarding his car diligently and dreaming about what I'd do with my vast fortune. When the man came out of the shop, he got back in his car without a word. He didn't even look at me as he drove away in his nice shiny car.

    Fucker. I hate that guy.

  2. When I was seven years old there was a family that lived two houses down from me. There was a boy whose name I don't remember and a girl named Violet. The three of us were fast friends. There was one evening when the kids and their parents came over to my house. We all stayed out back as it got dark. The four parents sat on the back porch drinking beers and Cokes from glass bottles. Their cigarettes were like flares in the darkness. Me, Violet, and her little brother crept around the yard trying to catch lightning bugs. Most of the time it was "catch and release." We always wanted to keep them, but our parents always told us they'd die in a day or two anyway.

    There were so many lightning bugs then. Any night we wanted, we could catch a few dozen. They were everywhere. My back yard was like a field of stars. Lightning bugs seem to be getting more scarce all the time. I haven't seen one in two or three years.

    Think about it a bit, and that becomes a really depressing metaphor.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Table For Two, part 3

"But… behind the scenes of what?"

"Why, everything of course!" Karol grinned, and took another swallow of his podpiwek.

Joseph was quiet for several minutes. Finally he said, "How did you know that I thought of a movie studio? I didn't tell you that."

"You were lost. I heard you calling."

"Yes, I called out. But I did not speak of a movie studio. I thought of a movie studio."

"As I said, I heard you calling."

"Are you saying you can read my mind?"

"That is not what I am saying at all. I am saying that just because you did not speak, does not mean you were not calling."

Joseph paused, flummoxed. "I don't think I understand any of this."

Karol smirked. "Fortunately, existence does not require understanding."

Joseph's cheeks flushed, his anger rising. He took a deep breath to compose himself. "The most confusing part of all of this is you. For many years you were my mentor. More than that, you were my friend."

Karol dabbed the corners of his mouth with a linen napkin. "I am honored you thought of me that way."

"And are you still my friend, Karol?"

"I don't know. Do the dead have friends?"

"How would I know? I've never been dead. Tell me now, are you my friend?"

Karol's brow furrowed while he considered the question. "Yes, I am still your friend."

"Then tell me what is happening."

"I do not completely understand what is happening."

"Then share with me your incomplete understanding, Karol!" He punctuated this last by softly striking his fist on the table. A bottle wobbled dangerously before righting itself.

Karol sighed. "Ask your questions then, if you must."

Joseph was unsure where to begin. He smoothed the wrinkles on the front of his pajama shirt, stalling for time. "How can I know I'm not dreaming?"

"There is no answer to that question. At least not one that will satisfy you."

"How do you know you're dead?"

"I can remember dying."

Joseph leaned forward. "What was it like?"

"Have you ever watched a candle burn down to nothing, seen the flame sputter and go out?"

"Yes, many times." Joseph waited, expecting more. When the ensuing silence became uncomfortable, he realized he had all the answer he was going to get. He decided he'd try to raise the subject again later.

"Is this… heaven?"

Karol grinned. The grin somehow ended up looking like a grimace. "No, I do not think so."

"But… this can't be hell?"

"No, I do not think it is hell. I think this is something else."

"What else can there be?"

Karol waved a hand at the plates on the table. "There can be this. Perhaps there can be other things as well."

"You were a good man, Karol. You lived a life of faith. Why aren't you in heaven?"

Karol closed his eyes. When he spoke, his voice dripped with sadness. "I do not think I'm supposed to go to heaven. At least not yet."

"But… why?"

"Did you see the crowd? The people there moved with urgency. They had places to go. I currently do not."

Joseph looked down at the table, then scratched his cheek contemplatively.

Karol interrupted his reverie. "Have you come to the important questions yet?"

Joseph looked up, a bit startled. "I think the questions I've asked have been important ones."

"Neither your questions nor my answers have granted you knowledge or wisdom. They have not satisfied you. They have not made you happy. They have not eased your doubts. You are asking the wrong questions."

Joseph thought a moment then asked, "Why am I here?"

Karol grinned broadly. "Now we are getting somewhere."

Friday, April 22, 2005

Table For Two, part 2

"Joseph, is that you? What in heaven's name are you doing here?"

Joseph froze, unsure if he should believe his own ears.

"Come now, Joseph. Close your mouth and come over here."

Joseph was again overwhelmed by the sensation of moving/not moving as the mass of travelers fell away behind him. He found himself standing in front of a small cafe table. There was one chair, that chair currently occupied by the last person he would have ever expected to see again.

"K-Karol? Is that really you?"

Karol spoke around a mouthful of poppy seed cake. "Yes, it's me." Joseph noticed for the first time what Karol was doing. He was eating. The little cafe table was covered with plates, dishes, bottles. "I'm sorry, my friend. Were you expecting someone else?" Pale crumbs sprayed from Karol's mouth.

"But… you're not how I remember you. You're so young!" Karol looked to be fifty years younger than he should have been. His hair was still dark and his eyes were brighter than Joseph had ever seen.

"Well, of course I'm not how you remember me. You remember me being alive, which I believe I currently am not."

"That settles it then. This is definitely a dream."

"A dream, eh?" Karol grinned, a little condescendingly. "Whose dream is it then? Did you dream me, or did I dream you?"

Joseph thought on that for a few seconds. Before he could fathom an answer Karol interrupted. "Well, in the end it's neither here nor there. Perhaps you could dream your way into a chair? You could join me for lunch."

Karol looked down at the suddenly inadequate table. "We shall need a table for two, I expect."

Karol rose and moved toward a second table just to his right. Joseph hadn't noticed the larger table until now. When he looked back, he could no longer find the smaller table.

"Joseph! What are you doing? Come! Sit with me."

As he took the seat opposite Karol, he thought to himself, how did he move the plates so fast? They were on the other table just a moment ago.

"Here, try one of these makowiec. They're magnificent. They're even better than when I was a boy." Karol pushed the plate of poppy seed cakes toward him.

Joseph took a cake, but currently had no interest in eating it. "Karol, is it really you?"

Karol stopped and stared at him. "Yes, it's me. Our conversation will be much more enjoyable if we can move forward now."

Chastened, Joseph took a bite of the cake. He chewed slowly, not really tasting, but using the time to think.

"Is this a dream?"

Karol finished his cake and took a long draught from a brown bottle before finally answering. "No, I don't think it is. I believe I am dead, and I believe the dead do not dream. So if it is a dream, then it must be your dream, yes?"

Joseph nodded silently.

"I have been here for some time, while you have only just arrived. What would that say about dreams if this place exists even before you have dreamt it? No, I don't believe this is a dream."

"Have I gone mad?"

Karol laughed, joy flashing in his eyes like Joseph had not seen since time unremembered. "I might argue, and perhaps successfully, that you were mad to begin with. But I do not think you are mad. I think today you are much the same as you were yesterday and the day before. But I suspect tomorrow you will be very different indeed."

"What is this place?"

"Bardo. Have some of the nalesniki. There's a subtle vanilla there like I've never tasted before."

"Bardo? What is bardo?"

"I'm not entirely sure myself."

Joseph took one of the rolled pastries in silence, wondering how best to phrase the next question. "Karol… if you don't know what bardo is, how do you now it's bardo?"

"Like you, when I arrived here I was lost in the crowd. I heard two men talking about it. They spoke Latin, although in a dialect I had difficulty following. They used the word bardo several times. They seemed to think they were in-between two things."

"In-between which two things?"

"I think, Joseph, when you thought of a movie studio, you were more correct than you know. I think we are truly behind the scenes. We are neither here nor there."

"But… behind the scenes of what?"

"Why, everything of course!" Karol grinned, and took another swallow of his podpiwek.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Table For Two, part 1

A busy day behind him and endless more ahead of him, Joseph slept soundly. Something tugged at the edge of his consciousness, pulling him awake. In his slumber, his mind could neither identify it nor resist it. He awoke.

He was not yet accustomed to his new bedchamber, but he was immediately aware that something had changed radically while he slept. His chamber had apparently grown so large that he could no longer see the walls or ceiling. With trepidation, he lightly placed his feet on the floor. Instantly the feel of the thick rug comforted him. He remembered with a twinge of irony how the night before he had almost felt embarrassed to place his bare feet on a rug so exquisite. Both comfort and embarrassment quickly faded when he realized the rug now seemed infinite, a sea of embroidered red stretching to the horizon.

He was paralyzed by his fear of this unexpected development, until he alighted on a simple explanation. I've gone mad, he thought. He picked a speck from the corner of his left eye as he considered the possibility of his own insanity. Sleep receded further and he realized the futility of a madman pondering his own madness. If I'm aware of this, then I cannot be mad after all, can I?

He finally concluded that he must be dreaming. Perhaps a bit of undercooked beef was disagreeing with him. Yes, that must be it, he decided. He sat on the edge of his bed, waiting to wake. Time passed, but Joseph could not tell if it had been several lifetimes or only a few minutes.

Perhaps I should summon the doctor, just to be sure. He called to his chamberlain. He was answered by silence. He called louder for the chamberlain and then louder again for anyone. No one answered. This is most discomforting, he thought. I really must see the doctor. He rose to his feet and hesitantly walked toward the place the door should have been.

He stopped after a few steps and turned back to reorient himself with the bed. He was quite amazed to find the bed was now an impossible distance behind him. At least he assumed it was the bed. He saw nothing but a speck of white linens marring the endless red perfection. How can this be? I've only taken three steps, four at most. He turned a complete circle, looking for landmarks. He stopped when he realized that not only could he not see anything new, he could no longer see the bed either.

Am I moving? I don't remember walking any farther. Joseph then noticed that what he thought was a red rug was neither red nor a rug. He was actually standing on a floor of grey stone. He wiggled his toes. The stone felt like glass beneath him. He idly wondered how many footfalls would be needed to wear stones so smooth.

Content to let this question go unanswered, he looked up again. This time he could see movement on the horizon, colors and shadows and shapes, moving into each other and growing larger. He suddenly realized they were not growing at all, but rather he was moving toward them. He looked down at his feet. Satisfied that he was in fact not moving, he looked up again. His eyes told him he was moving but his body told him he was not. Nauseated by the disparity, he closed his eyes.

A heartbeat later he was surrounded by noise. The voices of men, women, and children filled his ears. Some of their languages he knew, some he did not. He opened his eyes and found himself in the midst of a vast throng of humanity. People walked everywhere, talking among themselves and calling to others he could not see. Everyone moved with purpose. No one looked at Joseph.

As he stared at those passing him, he suddenly felt as if he had wandered into a movie studio. He imagined the strangely dressed people were actors moving between sets. He saw a man wearing a matted animal skin, a huge gladiator, a geisha, a bedouin. He tried to talk to a short African boy with a spear. The boy did not seem to notice him. He tried to stop a fat Hispanic man in an expensive suit. The man stepped around Joseph as one would avoid broken glass on the sidewalk.

"Excuse me?" A dark skinned woman with bare feet and pale yellow robes ignored him.

"Hello?" A blonde child with a teddy bear walked past.

"Can anyone help me?" he shouted.

"Joseph, is that you? What in heaven's name are you doing here?"

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Now's our chance, people!

The Washington Post reports that on April 1st, a Florida tech writer purchased domains covering several likely papal names, including BenedictXVI.com.

BenedictXVI.com currently redirects to the man's blog because he hasn't decided what to do with the domain.

Would it be too blasphemous to suggest a priest molestation porn site?

Do you think we could convince him to turn it over to Blog Jesus?

And a related question: is it a sin to cybersquat God?