So today at the store The Bunny bought for The Chicken a can of this goo stuff. I don't know what the hell it is. "Flarp" or something like that. The gimmick is that when you leave the goop in the plastic canister and stick your finger into it, it releases air bubbles and makes a farting noise.

So it's fart goop. This is a slice of heaven for a seven year-old.

Earlier tonight I went out back on the deck to have a cigarette and Chicken had what he thought at the time was the most brilliant idea in history.

Anyway, his idea was to surprise me when I came back in the house by fooling me into thinking he really was farting. This illusion can best be accomplished if the goop is not in the canister, but rather applied directly to his ass. He was wearing a pair of swim trunks with a pair of briefs underneath. I'm not sure why he was wearing underwear under his trunks, but whatever. He stuck the whole wad of goo on his ass in between his underwear and his trunks and sat on the tile floor to wait for me.

Almost immediately he realized his folly. By the time I made it back inside he was off in a corner of the room near a lamp… well, scraping goop off his ass. "Dad? Can you help me get the goop off my butt?"

Laughing my ass off at my son's misfortune won't scar him if I'm trying to stifle my laughter, right?

(I'm sitting on the couch, watching a movie.)

The Chicken: Stop for a second!

Me: What?

Chicken: Stop!

(He sits on the couch next to me, crosses his legs and pinches together his thumbs and index fingers.)

Me: What are you doing?

Chicken: H-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-e.

(pause)

Chicken: H-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-e.

Me: Chicken?

Chicken: H-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-e.

(pause)

Me: Chicken?

(He scratches his nose. From the inside.)

Chicken: H-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-e.

Me: Chicken, what are you doing?

Chicken: Meditating. And picking my nose.