[Ed. note: republished with permission.]
 

I'm still here in Ireland for the Adidas Dublin Marathon. I'm still trying to get an interview that might not get me fired. With me today is Colin Farrell.

Interview Guy: Mr. Farrell, thanks for speaking with me today.

Colin Farrell: Call me Colin. [Farrell winks.]

IG: I'd prefer Mr. Farrell, thank you.

CF: Oh, come on! You're in Ireland; you need to loosen up.

IG: Mr. Farrell, can you tell me anything about Lulu?

CF: Who?

IG: Lulu. The lovely young woman you were molesting two days ago.

CF: Sorry, which?

IG: Lulu. She took your hands out of her shirt to come over and talk to me?

CF: Oh, Lulu! The Californian with the great boobage.

IG: Yes! That's the one!

CF: Right, right, right. I remember her, yeah.

IG: Can you tell me anything about her?

CF: Eh, not much I'm afraid.

IG: Anything at all? I'm trying to keep my job here.

CF: Uh, well… Oh, here's something: I've never before seen a Yank girl try to drink Guinness straight from the tap.

IG: She actually tried that?

CF: Oh, yeah. She seemed to think that's the way it works here. The landlord was quite bothered by that. In the end he chalked it up to cultural differences and poured her a pint.

IG: So what is it about Lulu that attracted you to her?

CF: Boobage.

IG: Did she teach you that word?

CF: Yeah. She said I couldn't touch them unless I called them by their proper name.

IG: So you did get to touch them then?

CF: [He grins.] Aye, I did.

IG: This just might save my job. You didn't happen to get a picture of them, did you?

CF: What?

IG: A photo. Of Lulu's boobage. Do you have a picture?

CF: No, sorry. Have you seen how tight my pants are? Where am I supposed to keep a camera?

IG: My editor is really hoping for a boob photo.

CF: You're trying to get me out of my shirt, aren't you?

IG: No, Mr. Farrell, I assure you I'm not.

CF: Don't be shy. I saw you checking me out.

IG: No! Mr. Farrell, I was not!

CF: It's all right. I understand.

IG: Please stop rubbing my leg.

CF: That's what Jared Leto said. He didn't mean it either.

IG: No means no! No means no!

CF: We'll start slowly. I'll just unbutton my shirt for now.

IG: Please stop, Mr. Farrell.

CF: You can't run away from your feelings.

IG: I really need to leave now.

CF: Dick.