Closing time-
she smells like gin
and desperation
Tag archives for drinking
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Closing time
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Saturday night
Saturday night:
an ice cube crackles
in my whiskey
Friday, May 5, 2006
Cinco de Mayo
Cinco de Mayo-
maybe Mexican liquor
can vanquish the chill
Monday, February 27, 2006
You'll cover for me, right?
MSNBC.com is on to me.
West Bend, Wis. - Authorities are hoping to break up what must be quite the party after beer thieves made off with almost $26,000 worth of suds from a delivery truck.
If you don't rat on me, you're all invited to the party.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Scenes from a holiday weekend
Friday
Teenage goth kid #1: Is my ass digging into your hip?
Me: Yeah, but it's all good.
***
Me: All you're missing now is someone to pee on you.
The Bard: haha! Yeah, that's just what I need!
Me: So can I?
The Bard: Umm…
***
Me: Nice boots. KISS, Destroyer, 1978?
Teenage goth kid #1: Uh, no. Cradle of Filth, 2004.
Me: I really showed my age there didn't I?
Teenage goth kid #1: KISS?
***
The Bard: Hey! No fucking in the champagne room!
***
The Bard: Dude, what the hell were you two doing back there?
Teenage goth kid #2: Looking at cock rings on the internet.
The Bard: What the fuck?
Teenage goth kid #2: I can't take her to the sex shops with me.
Teenage goth kid #1: She's not 18 yet?
Teenage goth kid #2: Not until May.
Me: I really can't relate to this at all.
The Bard: How old are you anyway?
***
Sister: I feel so old.
Me: Shut up.
***
Hector: My crabs are huge! They're like lobsters!
(pause)
Hector: Wanna see?
***
Sister: Why is it I can never leave without you telling me something new about Pakistan?
Me: This will be a lot less painful if you don't struggle.
Saturday
Me: I should have bought a copy of Serenity while I was shopping today. Now I'm going to have to wait until Monday to see it.
The Bunny: I thought you said your mom was getting it for you.
Me: heh. Yeah. Wait.
***
Mom: If not for you, I wouldn't even get swiss cheese. And then I'd have to listen to the other two whine.
Sister: I'm not cool enough for my own cheese.
***
Sister: Wow! Look at all these goodies! I'm so loved.
Me: But you're still not cool enough for your own cheese.
***
Mom: Demon child #1, will you go in my bedroom and get Uncle RNB a roll of toilet paper? (giving directions) No, not that pile of stuff, the other pile. No the other pile. Third pile of stuff from the end.
***
Bunny: So what DVD did your mom give you?
Me: Cry_wolf.
Bunny: I didn't believe you. You should have bought Serenity today.
Sunday
The Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: Yes! Here you go.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, it broke, can you put it back together again?
***
Me: Do you want to watch a movie while Mommy naps?
Chicken: Yeah!
Me: Which one?
Chicken: Godzilla!
(I reach for Godzilla.)
Chicken: No, I mean Herbie!
(I reach for Herbie.)
Chicken: No, I mean Ed, Edd n Eddy!
(I reach for Ed, Edd n Eddy.)
Chicken: No, I mean Inspector Gadget Christmas!
Me: Ed, Edd n Eddy it is.
Monday
Chicken: Dad, will you make me waffles?
Me: Hell no!
Chicken: But Dad! Mom always makes me waffles!
Me: I'm not Mom.
(pause)
Me: Get dressed, let's go out for waffles.
***
Me: Ok, what do you want for breakfast?
Chicken: Waffles, eggs, bacon, sausage and toast.
Me: You're not going to get all of that.
Chicken: Ok, how about… waffles, eggs, bacon… sausage… and toast?
Me: Chicken, they don't offer eggs or waffles as a side item. And I'm not buying you two breakfasts. You have to choose eggs or waffles. So which do you want? Eggs or waffles?
Chicken: Eggs and waffles.
Me: You're not following. You can't get both eggs and waffles. You have to pick one or the other.
Chicken: Eggs and waffles.
Me: You might not survive the morning.
***
Waitress: Here you are. Enjoy your breakfast, fellas.
Chicken: Dad, she brought the eggs, but she forgot my waffles.
Me: You didn't order waffles, remember?
Chicken: Oh. Yeah. I want waffles.
***
Amy (lovely young woman at Sam Goody): On your Visa card today?
Visa card: No, no! I'm already bleeding! I can't take anymore of this! Help me, help me!
***
Chicken: Dad, can we go to the video store and rent PlayStation games?
Me: Sure. I was planning on that.
Chicken: Can we go now?
Me: No, first we're going to get haircuts.
Chicken: What?!?
***
RNB: I was never comfortable in that neighborhood. Lotta spics down there.
(silence)
***
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Bud Light, please.
Bartender: And for you?
RNB: Budweiser.
Me: You should really ask this young man for his ID.
(RNB hands it over.)
Bartender: Wow! Happy birthday! You want a birthday shot?
(silence)
Me: Yes, he'd love a birthday shot!
Bartender: What are you drinking?
(silence)
Me: We'll have Cuervo. And a salt shaker please.
RNB: Ugh.
***
Drunken Buffoon: Are you Filipino?
Bartender: I'm half Filipino.
Drunken Buffoon: So you're Filipino.
Bartender: No… I'm half Filipino.
Drunken Buffoon: So you're Filipino.
Bartender: Get you another beer?
***
RNB: Girls around here don't seem to be into rednecks.
Me: You sure they're just not into you?
RNB: Uh, thanks.
Me: I'm not picking on you. I'm just saying you're getting a reputation.
RNB: True. Yeah, maybe that's it.
***
RNB: Next weekend I'm bringing Jesse up here to move in with me.
Me: You're moving your girlfriend into Mom's house.
RNB: Yeah.
Me: I'm still amazed that Mom is ok with this.
RNB: Yeah, me too.
Me: Pat [our stepdad] know about this yet?
RNB: Sort of. He thinks she's just visiting during the semester break.
Me: Technically true, I suppose. But he has no idea she's staying?
RNB: Mom says we've got to have our own place by February 1st.
Me: You gonna make that?
RNB: I hope so.
Me: How much money do you have saved?
RNB: Uh, none.
Me: February 1st, huh?
***
Drunken Buffoon: Respect.
Bartender: What?
Drunken Buffoon: Respect.
Bartender: Ok.
Drunken Buffoon: That's the most important thing in life. Respect.
Bartender: Ok, sure.
Drunken Buffoon: You get one chance at that.
Bartender: Ok.
Drunken Buffoon: One chance.
(silence)
Drunken Buffoon: And now I see what you did with your one chance.
Bartender: Excuse me? I don't follow.
Drunken Buffoon: One chance.
(Drunken Buffoon stumbles out.)
Bartender: What was that all about?
Guy at end of bar: Ah, don't worry. He's always like that.
***
Bartender: More beers?
Me: Yes, please. It's all about respect you know.
Bartender: Don't you start.
Me: One chance. That's all you get. Just one chance to pour that beer respectfully.
Bartender (laughing): Shut up!
***
RNB: Thanks for the present. Thanks for dinner. Thanks for the beers.
Me: No problem. Happy Birthday.
RNB (smiling): Thanks.
***
Chicken: Dad, I don't have school tomorrow. Why can't I stay up late?
Me: You already have stayed up late. It's an hour past your bedtime. Now it's time for bed.
Chicken: But why can't I stay up late… er? Later.
***
Me (thinking): I'll be glad when this weekend is over and I can get back to my routine.
Tuesday
Me (thinking): "Back to my routine?" What the fuck was I thinking? Was I drunk?
(pause)
Me (thinking): Yeah, I was a little drunk.
Thursday, December 1, 2005
Casual drinker
I don't drink often.
I make do with what's around.
Mixed drink? Garfield mug.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Thanksgiving haiku
My sister and I,
we try to top each other
with our wine choices.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Weekend weirdness II, continued
The big centerpiece of the weekend, as it usually is, was Saturday. Nearly the entire day was spent waiting for night. Girlfriend and I were taking Sister out drinking for her birthday. And that's really all that happened Saturday, so I'll just jump right into that.
I took The Kid to Girlfriend's sister's house to spend the night (wink, wink) and we went to pick up Sister at her place. The three of us arrived at our favorite watering hole around 10.
That early in the night, the place is pretty slow. We got our drinks and decided to play pool while the tables weren't crowded with people who actually have some skill at the game. See, we like to play pool, but we all really suck at it.
I was sticking a few quarters into the table when I noticed a pal of mine walking in. Lazy Roomie saw me and wandered over to join our game. He was looking his usual "needs a bath and a shave" self that night.
The four of us stayed in our corner for a bit, comically chasing billiard balls around and doing some heavy duty people watching. And Sweet Fancy Moses, there were some people to watch. Apparently the bar was hosting some kind of impromptu costume party. None of the employees knew what the deal was with that, so it was not something actually arranged by the bar.
Just a private gathering of people in costumes, I guess. Within earshot, someone asked the chubby cowgirl about the costumes. Chubby cowgirl responded that it was the Halloween party for a local swingers club.
A swingers club? Rock out with your cock out. That's the coolest thing I've heard in, uhh… well, since the last really cool thing I heard. The swingers looked nothing like I would have expected. I expected that for the most part they would be attractive enough that complete strangers might actually want to have sex with them.
This was not the case. Most of them were so ugly, I wouldn't nail them with a stolen dick.
But their costume selections were pretty entertaining. There was a woman wearing a black sack-style dress adorned with two very large felt electrical outlets, one over the groin and one over the chest. Her companion was wearing black jeans, a black t-shirt, and a homemade foam contraption that looked like a cross between a diaper and an electrical plug.
There was a woman wearing a very cool half angel/half devil costume. Sister and I both lusted after her excellent angel wings.
There was a French maid, a cowboy, a witch, a guy wearing white robes and a mask that made him look like Alice Cooper's dad (when he took the mask off, he still looked like Alice Cooper's dad), a wizard, a younger man wearing women's SpongeBob pajamas, and an assortment of people whose costume intentions could not be discerned but whom Sister so eloquently described as "SSLLLUUUUTTTSSS!" (You've got to say it just like that, she says.)
Fairly early in the evening we abandoned the pool table and camped out next to the dart board near the bar. We can actually play darts. We still suck at it, but not as obviously. Besides, right by the dart board is a great spot to people watch.
And people watch we did. Unusually for us, we hardly sounded the Hootchie Alarm at all. Sister made up for this shortcoming by saying SSLLLUUUUTTTSSS! every few minutes.
Anyway, while we were playing darts is when I got my little bit of action. The cheerleader was standing near the bar right next to the scratch line taped on the floor. While making my way to the line, I was overwhelmed with a desire to get some of those boobies.
I was thinking to myself, "This cheerleader is tall, thin, leggy, reasonably attractive, long blonde hair, short skirt, pert boobies. So what if he's actually a man?"
So I just reached out and gave him a friendly little squeeze. For reference, Nerf boobies are not very satisfying. I violated a man in drag, and it wasn't even very much fun. And it turns out that he's surprisingly modest for a swinger. He looked shocked and genuinely offended. The cheerleader's companions, however, thought this was the most deliciously entertaining thing they'd ever seen, judging by their laughter.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
A snippet of conversation
Thursday afternoon Sister called me for… some reason I can't remember. I'm glad she called, because I was going to call her anyway. The call was short, and here's the meat of it.
Me: What are you doing Saturday night?
Sister: I don't know. Taking a nap, maybe? Sitting around the house?
Me: Girlfriend and I want to take you drinking.
Sister: And I want to let you!
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Vacanigans*, part 8
*Subtitle: No way! He actually did that?
Friday began exactly the same as nearly every other day in my vacation: with a lot of sitting around. The day didn't really begin in earnest until after lunch time when I went to pick up my paycheck.
At my office, Pointy Bearded Boss was just gearing up to involve me in what would likely have been a drawn out political discussion with The Landlord. I listened politely for a moment before using Girlfriend and The Kid waiting in the car as an excuse to slip away.
Off at the bank with my check, Sister informed me that Giggs and husband were in town and the three of them were going out drinking that night. I was all over that. Plans were made, and the family and I were off to what would be one of the highlights of my day: the gas station! (I know, my life is so much more fabulous than yours!)
Just like lots of other people, it's part of my routine to fill the gas tank on payday. A pocket full of money always seems to lessen the impact of three dollars a gallon gasoline.
So I was standing there, pumping gas, when I saw a guy I went to high school with. Let's call him Wolfman. Wolfman and I hung out with the same crowd, but we were never really close. He always seemed nice enough, but he also seemed a little… off. Wolfman never really socialized well. He was always the guy hovering at the edge of things with no idea how to really get involved.
And frankly, Wolfman is really goofy looking.
My strongest memories of him are from gym class. My high school had a pool, and there were co-ed swimming classes required for underclassmen. Wolfman had a problem with swimming classes. Almost every single day, he would get an erection in the pool.
The first time it happened the coach noticed and very discretely told Wolfman he could sit at the edge of the pool until the problem went away. But the problem rarely went away. Almost every single class, Wolfman would sit quietly at the edge of the pool with a hard on pushing against his trunks.
Everybody knew about it. Everyone noticed. But I don't think anyone ever said a word about it. We all just pretended we didn't notice. The girls were probably a bit repulsed by it (after all, Wolfman is really goofy looking) and the boys were all sympathetic. I mean really sympathetic. I still remember that pink and white suit that one girl would wear. Damn. The coach is lucky all of us weren't sitting at the edge of the pool.
But anyway… we all knew. And even though no one ever said a thing, Wolfman knew that we knew. I cannot even imagine the embarrassment he must have felt every single day. And I can't help but wonder the impact it had on him.
Like I said, Wolfman and I were never close. I never knew what to say to him. Greetings were always awkward. They are even more so now. Wolfman is a convicted sex offender. He's registered in the state database and everything. Third degree sexual assault, active supervision until 2025.
Now I really don't know what to say to him. I'll always wonder, did high school gym class mess him up that bad, or would he have turned out exactly the same? Fortunately, we didn't talk that day. We just waved at each other from across the lot as he drove away.
Girlfriend, The Kid, and I did some half-hearted shopping, mostly just killing time until we went to the movies that night. At around six, we dropped The Kid off at Girlfriend's sister's house and went to see 40 Year-Old Virgin. The movie was so-so. It had its moments, but it was mostly forgettable.
We picked up The Kid and I dropped him and Girlfriend off at home while I went out to drink myself stupid with Sister, MrsGiggles, and husband. For the record, it takes very little drinking for me to become stupid. Also for the record, the drunk girl from the McDonald's drive through the week before was out drinking again.
At first we passed the time with darts. I almost nailed The Candyman in the head with one of them, but it really wasn't my fault. Some genius decided it would be a really good idea to put the ATM right next to the dartboard, and Candyman turned into my throw. The dart didn't come within a foot of him, but the look on his face was truly a Kodak moment.
There are two other things worth noting about playing darts. First, my bullseye dance always makes people laugh. Always. And second, MrsGiggles' breasts make excellent bongos. From now on, MrsGiggles' breasts are officially known as "beer bongos." That really has nothing to do with darts, but there you have it.
After darts we moved on to a new game: Boobie Hunt. Given that I have spent my entire adult life and the lion's share of my adolescence chasing after breasts, you'd think I would be pretty good at this game. Well, that's where you'd be wrong. I am only a mediocre boobie hunter. How depressing. MrsGiggles, on the other hand, is a superb boobie hunter. So now you know a little something extra about her.
The whole evening was crammed with drinks and laughs. There wasn't a single dull spot. But there was one very big bright spot.
Because I'm a good good person, when a guy dropped some of his cash I got his attention and pointed it out to him. He was more than a little wasted, so it took me a few tries to get him to see what I was pointing it.
He picked up his dropped money and tried to hand it to me. I left my hands at my sides and tried explaining that it had fallen out of his pocket. He set the cash on the table in front of me. And then I noticed it wasn't cash.
It was play money.
I gave him a confused look. He reached into his pocket and offered up the fat wad of cash that had spawned the runaway bill. His bankroll was one twenty dollar bill, about a half dozen ones, and about an inch of play money.
Amazing. I had no idea people actually did that. I'd heard of this, but never seen anyone actually do it. It was like seeing the Loch Ness Monster. I wanted to say, "Wow! I thought you were a myth!"
I was really entertained by all of this. I just could not contain my laughter. A big grin on my face, I told him, "That is the coolest thing I have ever seen… and it's… really pathetic."
Hanging out in a bar and calling drunken strangers "pathetic" is often a risky proposition, but instead of getting angry he just gave me a really dopey drunk grin. I tried to convince him to hang out by the ATM so I could get away with throwing darts at him, but he just wasn't having any of that.