My mother called this morning to offer help again. I didn't return her call, so she ambushed me at The Chicken's bus stop. Oy.
Tag archives for Mom
Friday, May 25, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
My mother
My mother is driving me nuts with her helpfulness.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Not every post deserves a clever title
Yesterday I had one of my semi-regular customers visit. This guy's got a strange set of circumstances happening. He's a white guy. He's unmistakably Caucasian. Yet he and his New Zealander wife (love that Kiwi accent) live on an Indian reservation. The guy paid for his service with a check. His bank is in Ohio, but his address on the check is New Mexico.
Me: New Mexico?
Alan: Yeah, I teach at Western New Mexico University now.
Me: Really? Kind of a long commute.
Alan: Yeah it's a three day drive.
Me: Umm… ok.
The guy is keeping his house in the mid-west and driving back and forth to his job in New Mexico. That's easily the longest commute I've ever heard of.
My mom called me at work yesterday saying she wanted to stop by to see me. Immediately I was thinking mama drama. You know the expression. If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
But no, there was no drama. My mom was sorting through her great piles of junk and found something of an heirloom: my father's "yearbook" from when he went through basic training for the Navy in 1968. After apparently wrestling with the idea for two months, she finally decided to give it to me.
I'm so glad she did.
My father looks so young in those photos. He was only 19 or 20 then. Those pictures were from years before I was born, before he'd even met my mother.
Somebody stole our damn trash can. The company contracted by the city for trash pick up provides specific trash cans for us to use. Three different sizes are available, each at a different rate. I came home from work yesterday to find that some bitch had switched our large size can for a medium.
So… Michael Douglas stole my trash can.
I've been getting hammered by comment spam this week. In just a few days I've had at least 500. My filters have caught all of them, but it's still annoying. I do find it somewhat entertaining to read some of them. It's odd the kind of things that spammers think will catch your eye. Here are a few examples:
-
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mc pee pants girl peeing drunk girls flashing
Ok, first of all, how do these spammers know I'm so into transvestite grandmother anime foot scat porn? And second, how do they know my secret rapper name is MC Pee Pants?
Monday, January 30, 2006
It's true…
…that parents mellow a little more with each child. There is no way in hell my mother would have let me move a girlfriend into her house like she's let my 21-year old brother.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Scenes from a holiday weekend
Friday
Teenage goth kid #1: Is my ass digging into your hip?
Me: Yeah, but it's all good.
***
Me: All you're missing now is someone to pee on you.
The Bard: haha! Yeah, that's just what I need!
Me: So can I?
The Bard: Umm…
***
Me: Nice boots. KISS, Destroyer, 1978?
Teenage goth kid #1: Uh, no. Cradle of Filth, 2004.
Me: I really showed my age there didn't I?
Teenage goth kid #1: KISS?
***
The Bard: Hey! No fucking in the champagne room!
***
The Bard: Dude, what the hell were you two doing back there?
Teenage goth kid #2: Looking at cock rings on the internet.
The Bard: What the fuck?
Teenage goth kid #2: I can't take her to the sex shops with me.
Teenage goth kid #1: She's not 18 yet?
Teenage goth kid #2: Not until May.
Me: I really can't relate to this at all.
The Bard: How old are you anyway?
***
Sister: I feel so old.
Me: Shut up.
***
Hector: My crabs are huge! They're like lobsters!
(pause)
Hector: Wanna see?
***
Sister: Why is it I can never leave without you telling me something new about Pakistan?
Me: This will be a lot less painful if you don't struggle.
Saturday
Me: I should have bought a copy of Serenity while I was shopping today. Now I'm going to have to wait until Monday to see it.
The Bunny: I thought you said your mom was getting it for you.
Me: heh. Yeah. Wait.
***
Mom: If not for you, I wouldn't even get swiss cheese. And then I'd have to listen to the other two whine.
Sister: I'm not cool enough for my own cheese.
***
Sister: Wow! Look at all these goodies! I'm so loved.
Me: But you're still not cool enough for your own cheese.
***
Mom: Demon child #1, will you go in my bedroom and get Uncle RNB a roll of toilet paper? (giving directions) No, not that pile of stuff, the other pile. No the other pile. Third pile of stuff from the end.
***
Bunny: So what DVD did your mom give you?
Me: Cry_wolf.
Bunny: I didn't believe you. You should have bought Serenity today.
Sunday
The Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: Yes! Here you go.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, it broke, can you put it back together again?
***
Me: Do you want to watch a movie while Mommy naps?
Chicken: Yeah!
Me: Which one?
Chicken: Godzilla!
(I reach for Godzilla.)
Chicken: No, I mean Herbie!
(I reach for Herbie.)
Chicken: No, I mean Ed, Edd n Eddy!
(I reach for Ed, Edd n Eddy.)
Chicken: No, I mean Inspector Gadget Christmas!
Me: Ed, Edd n Eddy it is.
Monday
Chicken: Dad, will you make me waffles?
Me: Hell no!
Chicken: But Dad! Mom always makes me waffles!
Me: I'm not Mom.
(pause)
Me: Get dressed, let's go out for waffles.
***
Me: Ok, what do you want for breakfast?
Chicken: Waffles, eggs, bacon, sausage and toast.
Me: You're not going to get all of that.
Chicken: Ok, how about… waffles, eggs, bacon… sausage… and toast?
Me: Chicken, they don't offer eggs or waffles as a side item. And I'm not buying you two breakfasts. You have to choose eggs or waffles. So which do you want? Eggs or waffles?
Chicken: Eggs and waffles.
Me: You're not following. You can't get both eggs and waffles. You have to pick one or the other.
Chicken: Eggs and waffles.
Me: You might not survive the morning.
***
Waitress: Here you are. Enjoy your breakfast, fellas.
Chicken: Dad, she brought the eggs, but she forgot my waffles.
Me: You didn't order waffles, remember?
Chicken: Oh. Yeah. I want waffles.
***
Amy (lovely young woman at Sam Goody): On your Visa card today?
Visa card: No, no! I'm already bleeding! I can't take anymore of this! Help me, help me!
***
Chicken: Dad, can we go to the video store and rent PlayStation games?
Me: Sure. I was planning on that.
Chicken: Can we go now?
Me: No, first we're going to get haircuts.
Chicken: What?!?
***
RNB: I was never comfortable in that neighborhood. Lotta spics down there.
(silence)
***
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Bud Light, please.
Bartender: And for you?
RNB: Budweiser.
Me: You should really ask this young man for his ID.
(RNB hands it over.)
Bartender: Wow! Happy birthday! You want a birthday shot?
(silence)
Me: Yes, he'd love a birthday shot!
Bartender: What are you drinking?
(silence)
Me: We'll have Cuervo. And a salt shaker please.
RNB: Ugh.
***
Drunken Buffoon: Are you Filipino?
Bartender: I'm half Filipino.
Drunken Buffoon: So you're Filipino.
Bartender: No… I'm half Filipino.
Drunken Buffoon: So you're Filipino.
Bartender: Get you another beer?
***
RNB: Girls around here don't seem to be into rednecks.
Me: You sure they're just not into you?
RNB: Uh, thanks.
Me: I'm not picking on you. I'm just saying you're getting a reputation.
RNB: True. Yeah, maybe that's it.
***
RNB: Next weekend I'm bringing Jesse up here to move in with me.
Me: You're moving your girlfriend into Mom's house.
RNB: Yeah.
Me: I'm still amazed that Mom is ok with this.
RNB: Yeah, me too.
Me: Pat [our stepdad] know about this yet?
RNB: Sort of. He thinks she's just visiting during the semester break.
Me: Technically true, I suppose. But he has no idea she's staying?
RNB: Mom says we've got to have our own place by February 1st.
Me: You gonna make that?
RNB: I hope so.
Me: How much money do you have saved?
RNB: Uh, none.
Me: February 1st, huh?
***
Drunken Buffoon: Respect.
Bartender: What?
Drunken Buffoon: Respect.
Bartender: Ok.
Drunken Buffoon: That's the most important thing in life. Respect.
Bartender: Ok, sure.
Drunken Buffoon: You get one chance at that.
Bartender: Ok.
Drunken Buffoon: One chance.
(silence)
Drunken Buffoon: And now I see what you did with your one chance.
Bartender: Excuse me? I don't follow.
Drunken Buffoon: One chance.
(Drunken Buffoon stumbles out.)
Bartender: What was that all about?
Guy at end of bar: Ah, don't worry. He's always like that.
***
Bartender: More beers?
Me: Yes, please. It's all about respect you know.
Bartender: Don't you start.
Me: One chance. That's all you get. Just one chance to pour that beer respectfully.
Bartender (laughing): Shut up!
***
RNB: Thanks for the present. Thanks for dinner. Thanks for the beers.
Me: No problem. Happy Birthday.
RNB (smiling): Thanks.
***
Chicken: Dad, I don't have school tomorrow. Why can't I stay up late?
Me: You already have stayed up late. It's an hour past your bedtime. Now it's time for bed.
Chicken: But why can't I stay up late… er? Later.
***
Me (thinking): I'll be glad when this weekend is over and I can get back to my routine.
Tuesday
Me (thinking): "Back to my routine?" What the fuck was I thinking? Was I drunk?
(pause)
Me (thinking): Yeah, I was a little drunk.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Boxing Day…
…the day I box up shit to take back to the store.
You remember me telling you last week that my mother called looking for gift ideas for me? She suggested "Serenity." I told her I was planning on buying it that very day. She told me not to buy it, so that she could buy it for me instead.
Remember when I told you I'll lay odds I'd be buying Serenity for myself on the 26th?
It's the 26th. Guess what I bought myself this morning?
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
So my mom just called
She wanted ideas for what to buy me for Christmas. I really don't want any gifts, so I protested. She was insistent.
She prodded me through a list of recently released DVDs until she had several possibilities.
When she suggested "Serenity" I told her I was going to go buy that one today. She told me not to. But then she continued digging possibilities anyway.
I'll lay odds that I'll be buying Serenity on the 26th.