A little while ago we returned home from my niece's birthday party. I spent nearly the whole time there napping. Best. Party. Ever!
Tag archives for party
Friday, July 27, 2007
Monday, December 11, 2006
Highlights and lowlifes*
*a/k/a "All about my weekend" (Isn't "Highlights and lowlifes" such a great title? I've seen it used on many blogs before but I'm not going to let that stop me from stealing it for myself.)
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The Chicken went to a friend's bowling alley birthday party on Saturday. (I love the way that sounds… bowling alley birthday party. If I had a use for it, I'd register bowlingalley-birthdayparty.com. Maybe that's what I'll name my hypothetical band instead.) Chicken had a great time with it. When his first roll didn't prove as easy as he hoped, his first impulse was to give up. But he stuck with it, partially due to the fact that the other kids were having fun and partially due to the fact that Bunny and I were just about throwing him into the game, and he ended up really enjoying himself. He bowled three games and had one strike and one spare to show for it.
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Car accident Saturday night. Awesome! Some dumbass ran into us while we were pulling into the driveway. I knew this was going to happen eventually. We live on a busy street and people are always riding our bumper, and sometimes honking and cursing at us, as we slow to pull into the driveway.
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I take great satisfaction in the knowledge that the twit who smacked into us will not only be buying us a new bumper, but ended up with (probably) several citations. I have no idea what the cops did, but they could have issued tickets for anything from driving without a seatbelt to driving without a valid license. When I overheard the cop say "We've got a problem here, Ashley… your license expired last year," I had to really fight the urge to roll out a good Nelson-style "Ha ha!"
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Clerks II blows. That movie was so bad. It had some entertaining moments, but it's easily the dimmest star in Kevin Smith's constellation. However… the "Goodbye, Horses" sequence cracked me up. That part all by itself made the rental worthwhile. I'm so glad they went all the way with it and included "the tuck."
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My dad called yesterday. His mother died last Friday. I don't regret not visiting her one final time. I didn't ask him about any funeral services.
Monday, April 10, 2006
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
This weekend had some massive disaster potential, but fortunately everything worked out quite nicely. The big event was The Chicken's 6th birthday party on Saturday.
Our original plan was a fairly straight forward kid party. We were going to invite two dozen curtain-climbing, ankle-biting kindergarteners into our house for cake and presents. That plan didn't last too long before we settled on a movie theater party.
The local multiplex has a party package where you get an hour in the party room (which is nothing at all like the champagne room… I know, I was disappointed too), 10 movie tickets, 10 kiddie snack trays, 10 dollars worth of arcade tokens and (time permitting) a tour of the projection booth. And all for the low, low price of $120.
The biggest drawback to this is that it's a package for 10 kids. Chicken has 22 classmates. After wrestling with the idea of forcing him to choose his 10 favorite school chums, we decided to invite all of them and pay extra to accommodate them. We were hoping that his birthday weekend would work out to be some sort of obscure religious holiday and many of his classmates would not be able to attend. Unsurprisingly, Saturday turned out to not be an obscure religious holiday and nearly his whole class RSVPed. So off The Bunny went to the theater to pick up another 80 dollars in movie tickets and snack vouchers.
Despite the potential for complete and utter pandemonium, everything worked out surprisingly smoothly. I worked the front door greeting parents and taking notes on who would be picking up each child. Sister escorted the chilluns from the outer lobby to the party room. Bunny's movie buddy Zeke played bouncer at the door to the party room by preventing kids from randomly wandering off. Bunny and her sister attempted to keep something like order in the party room through a three-course program of cake, presents and random beatings.
We all took turns escorting children to the bathroom. Sister may regret entrusting her camera to me while she was on a bathroom run. Her memory card now contains one picture each of my feet, ass and elbow.
That hour of party room time absolutely flew by and in a heartbeat we were lining them up to file into the theater. If nothing else, that school of theirs is doing a damn fine job teaching them to line up. You could almost imagine them as baby elephants, trunk to tail, as they marched neatly from one place to another.
The movie itself went very well. There was no fighting, no crying, no spilled snacks and only a few bathroom breaks. And the movie, Ice Age 2, was great fun. It's better than the first, I'd say. We liked it well enough that Bunny and I took Chicken to see it again Sunday.
After the movie, we lined up our baby elephants for the march out to the lobby and the semi-chaotic reunion with their parents. It turns out that time was not permitting for that projection booth tour. We didn't use any of the arcade tokens either.
But no matter. It was still a successful and mostly painless kid party. Final tally: 23 movie tickets, $300 (give or take). We're still trying to decide if $300 was too much to pay for the privilege of not having our house demolished by a 3'8" wrecking crew.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Scenes from a holiday weekend
Friday
Teenage goth kid #1: Is my ass digging into your hip?
Me: Yeah, but it's all good.
***
Me: All you're missing now is someone to pee on you.
The Bard: haha! Yeah, that's just what I need!
Me: So can I?
The Bard: Umm…
***
Me: Nice boots. KISS, Destroyer, 1978?
Teenage goth kid #1: Uh, no. Cradle of Filth, 2004.
Me: I really showed my age there didn't I?
Teenage goth kid #1: KISS?
***
The Bard: Hey! No fucking in the champagne room!
***
The Bard: Dude, what the hell were you two doing back there?
Teenage goth kid #2: Looking at cock rings on the internet.
The Bard: What the fuck?
Teenage goth kid #2: I can't take her to the sex shops with me.
Teenage goth kid #1: She's not 18 yet?
Teenage goth kid #2: Not until May.
Me: I really can't relate to this at all.
The Bard: How old are you anyway?
***
Sister: I feel so old.
Me: Shut up.
***
Hector: My crabs are huge! They're like lobsters!
(pause)
Hector: Wanna see?
***
Sister: Why is it I can never leave without you telling me something new about Pakistan?
Me: This will be a lot less painful if you don't struggle.
Saturday
Me: I should have bought a copy of Serenity while I was shopping today. Now I'm going to have to wait until Monday to see it.
The Bunny: I thought you said your mom was getting it for you.
Me: heh. Yeah. Wait.
***
Mom: If not for you, I wouldn't even get swiss cheese. And then I'd have to listen to the other two whine.
Sister: I'm not cool enough for my own cheese.
***
Sister: Wow! Look at all these goodies! I'm so loved.
Me: But you're still not cool enough for your own cheese.
***
Mom: Demon child #1, will you go in my bedroom and get Uncle RNB a roll of toilet paper? (giving directions) No, not that pile of stuff, the other pile. No the other pile. Third pile of stuff from the end.
***
Bunny: So what DVD did your mom give you?
Me: Cry_wolf.
Bunny: I didn't believe you. You should have bought Serenity today.
Sunday
The Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: No, not yet.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, are you done putting it together yet?
Me: Yes! Here you go.
(three minutes pass)
Chicken: Dad, it broke, can you put it back together again?
***
Me: Do you want to watch a movie while Mommy naps?
Chicken: Yeah!
Me: Which one?
Chicken: Godzilla!
(I reach for Godzilla.)
Chicken: No, I mean Herbie!
(I reach for Herbie.)
Chicken: No, I mean Ed, Edd n Eddy!
(I reach for Ed, Edd n Eddy.)
Chicken: No, I mean Inspector Gadget Christmas!
Me: Ed, Edd n Eddy it is.
Monday
Chicken: Dad, will you make me waffles?
Me: Hell no!
Chicken: But Dad! Mom always makes me waffles!
Me: I'm not Mom.
(pause)
Me: Get dressed, let's go out for waffles.
***
Me: Ok, what do you want for breakfast?
Chicken: Waffles, eggs, bacon, sausage and toast.
Me: You're not going to get all of that.
Chicken: Ok, how about… waffles, eggs, bacon… sausage… and toast?
Me: Chicken, they don't offer eggs or waffles as a side item. And I'm not buying you two breakfasts. You have to choose eggs or waffles. So which do you want? Eggs or waffles?
Chicken: Eggs and waffles.
Me: You're not following. You can't get both eggs and waffles. You have to pick one or the other.
Chicken: Eggs and waffles.
Me: You might not survive the morning.
***
Waitress: Here you are. Enjoy your breakfast, fellas.
Chicken: Dad, she brought the eggs, but she forgot my waffles.
Me: You didn't order waffles, remember?
Chicken: Oh. Yeah. I want waffles.
***
Amy (lovely young woman at Sam Goody): On your Visa card today?
Visa card: No, no! I'm already bleeding! I can't take anymore of this! Help me, help me!
***
Chicken: Dad, can we go to the video store and rent PlayStation games?
Me: Sure. I was planning on that.
Chicken: Can we go now?
Me: No, first we're going to get haircuts.
Chicken: What?!?
***
RNB: I was never comfortable in that neighborhood. Lotta spics down there.
(silence)
***
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Bud Light, please.
Bartender: And for you?
RNB: Budweiser.
Me: You should really ask this young man for his ID.
(RNB hands it over.)
Bartender: Wow! Happy birthday! You want a birthday shot?
(silence)
Me: Yes, he'd love a birthday shot!
Bartender: What are you drinking?
(silence)
Me: We'll have Cuervo. And a salt shaker please.
RNB: Ugh.
***
Drunken Buffoon: Are you Filipino?
Bartender: I'm half Filipino.
Drunken Buffoon: So you're Filipino.
Bartender: No… I'm half Filipino.
Drunken Buffoon: So you're Filipino.
Bartender: Get you another beer?
***
RNB: Girls around here don't seem to be into rednecks.
Me: You sure they're just not into you?
RNB: Uh, thanks.
Me: I'm not picking on you. I'm just saying you're getting a reputation.
RNB: True. Yeah, maybe that's it.
***
RNB: Next weekend I'm bringing Jesse up here to move in with me.
Me: You're moving your girlfriend into Mom's house.
RNB: Yeah.
Me: I'm still amazed that Mom is ok with this.
RNB: Yeah, me too.
Me: Pat [our stepdad] know about this yet?
RNB: Sort of. He thinks she's just visiting during the semester break.
Me: Technically true, I suppose. But he has no idea she's staying?
RNB: Mom says we've got to have our own place by February 1st.
Me: You gonna make that?
RNB: I hope so.
Me: How much money do you have saved?
RNB: Uh, none.
Me: February 1st, huh?
***
Drunken Buffoon: Respect.
Bartender: What?
Drunken Buffoon: Respect.
Bartender: Ok.
Drunken Buffoon: That's the most important thing in life. Respect.
Bartender: Ok, sure.
Drunken Buffoon: You get one chance at that.
Bartender: Ok.
Drunken Buffoon: One chance.
(silence)
Drunken Buffoon: And now I see what you did with your one chance.
Bartender: Excuse me? I don't follow.
Drunken Buffoon: One chance.
(Drunken Buffoon stumbles out.)
Bartender: What was that all about?
Guy at end of bar: Ah, don't worry. He's always like that.
***
Bartender: More beers?
Me: Yes, please. It's all about respect you know.
Bartender: Don't you start.
Me: One chance. That's all you get. Just one chance to pour that beer respectfully.
Bartender (laughing): Shut up!
***
RNB: Thanks for the present. Thanks for dinner. Thanks for the beers.
Me: No problem. Happy Birthday.
RNB (smiling): Thanks.
***
Chicken: Dad, I don't have school tomorrow. Why can't I stay up late?
Me: You already have stayed up late. It's an hour past your bedtime. Now it's time for bed.
Chicken: But why can't I stay up late… er? Later.
***
Me (thinking): I'll be glad when this weekend is over and I can get back to my routine.
Tuesday
Me (thinking): "Back to my routine?" What the fuck was I thinking? Was I drunk?
(pause)
Me (thinking): Yeah, I was a little drunk.
Friday, December 16, 2005
And still more
Sister (reciting the guest list to tonight's Christmas party): …Keeks and Heath [a girl] her… umm… date?
Sunday, October 2, 2005
No, no, no… this is how you talk about a party
Yesterday, Sister posted about a little impromptu mini-party at her place. In attendance were Sister and me, Meow, and the blogless Annie and Squidward. Also present were Keeks' breasts. Not the rest of her, mind you, just her breasts.
The following things may have happened:
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Annie may have made several unsuccessful booty calls to her boyfriend
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I may have explained some of the more disgusting circumstances of The Kid's birth
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Approximately one-third of all available hamburgers may have been murdered rather than cooked
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Tequila may have been drunk straight from the bottle
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Meow may have taken off her sweater and stuck her hand down the front of her skirt
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I may have been wearing an autographed pink cowboy hat
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Squidward may have been wearing a fuzzy pink bucket hat
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Keeks' breasts may have crawled into my shirt and assaulted Squidward
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Keeks' breasts may have an official sound effect: Ka-pow!
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I may have whipped Squidward with a fluffy pink riding crop
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Sister, Annie, and Meow may have whipped each other repeatedly with that riding crop
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Meow may have enjoyed being whipped far more than is healthy
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An entire pan of really thin brownies may have been consumed
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Sister and Squidward may have gone to the store for gummi bears
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Squidward may have received a call from someone caller-id'd as "Cute Stephen"
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Several bottles of Boone's Farm may have been rapidly drained
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Other bottles of liquor may have been passed around to drink straight from the neck of the bottle
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I may have adopted Squidward as my honorary little brother
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Meow may have had sex with two stuffed animals
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Other people may have later cuddled those stuffed animals in inappropriate ways
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Those stuffed animals may have been named after Friends characters
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Several people may have been handcuffed to bottles of liquor
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Squidward and I may have discussed, at unusual length, the finer points of George Romero's zombie movies
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Squidward may have worn a fuzzy pink Hello Kitty blanket as a cloak
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If real life were Dungeons & Dragons, that cloak might have been called "Cloak of Unmanliness, +5"
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I may have been just drunk enough to give relationship advice that was a little too honest
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I may have worn a bridal veil
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I may have been forced to fight off Meow in her attempts to apply lipstick that matched the bridal veil
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There may exist photographic evidence of all of these events
Sticking to the party judging criteria I outlined in Vacanigans part 9, this party was not as good as it could have been because no one got naked. But again, little sister's party… nudity bad. And besides, God only knows what the hell those degenerates did after I left.
And Sister, I mean "degenerate" in the most affectionate way possible. We're doing that again next week, right?
Monday, September 26, 2005
Vacanigans*, part 9
*Subtitle: Wow, it only took me a month to finish talking about a week-long vacation!
The last day of my vacation was really anti-climactic, so I'm going to get that out of the way first. On Sunday, we did even more nothing. Maybe even less than nothing. We all slept late and spent the entire day in our pajamas. We watched some DVDs, snacked instead of eating actual meals, and spent hours playing video games. Mostly Disney's Extreme Skate Adventure and Tak 2: Staff of Dreams for GameCube. And that's really about it. Like I said, we just might have done less than nothing. This was the end of the vacation. The next day was back to work. Blech.
The real adventure of the weekend was Sister and Annie's housewarming party on Saturday. Late in the afternoon we loaded up the car with our beverages (mostly beer), the food (a tray of brownies and Girlfriend's superb taco dip), and our gifts for the girls.
We brought two gifts. Unfortunately, neither of them was a giant can of nacho cheese sauce. The "real" gift was something girly. Candles and lotions or some crap like that. I was just as surprised as the girls were. I forgot what it was immediately after they opened it.
The other gift was a giant box of liquor. Girlfriend and I cleaned out our cupboard and decided to give them the vast quantity of half-drunk booze bottles we'd accumulated over the years. Schnapps, gin, vodka, whiskey… we had a bottle of just about everything. And we were never going to use it. All we kept was my Jack Daniels and my Cuervo. I'll drink those. Everything else was just sitting around getting dusty. Anyway, our gift of inebriation was very well received. There were "oohs" and "ahhs," a few "holy shits," and I suspect a few erect nipples as well.
Not long after arriving, Sister casually slipped in something about The Grade School Teacher and her husband coming to the party. She always does that to me and, foolishly, I never see it coming. Grade School Teacher is one of my least favorite people. It never occurs to me that she'll be at any particular gathering, and Sister always "forgets" to mention it until after I'm already there.
As with most parties, there wasn't really any structured series of events. Nearly the entire party was everyone sitting around, slowly getting drunk, and laughing at each other. All total, there were fifteen or twenty people there. Among the guests were a few blogstars, including Sister of course, Giggs and husband, the inestimable Keeks, and even Meow. Meow is a third-shifter right now, so she looked a bit startled at having been dragged out into the light.
Highlights of the party, in no particular order, included:
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Sister's friend "S" making an ass out of himself by attempting to describe how racially-oriented humor is only funny when it's offensive and genuinely racist
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Giggs dog clawing up her brand new tent. Serves her right for owning a dirty, dirty dog.
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Keeks arriving with a unique alcoholic treat - liquor soaked gummy bears. Leave it to Keeks to come up with something intoxicating that needs to be sucked to be appreciated.
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The "little boy" who was hitting on Keeks. And doing so rather badly.
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When Keeks' cellphone rang, I may have answered. I may have told the gentleman caller on the line that she couldn't talk at the moment because her mouth was full.
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On a possibly related note, somebody or other placed Keeks in charge of pleasuring me. It wrote this down to make sure I wouldn't forget, but I forgot to write down any context. So feel free to make that as dirty as you want.
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Somebody or other, probably Keeks, was appointed Official Whipped Cream Girl. (She wasn't the only one at this party, honest.)
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The two strangers who walked in the front door and into the bathroom without saying a word.
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Me twice sneaking over to the corner of the living room to remove all the country songs from Sister's iTunes playlist.
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The bathroom door stays closed nicely on its own, but there is no latch. So every time I walked by, I opened the door and left it open. I was very entertained by this. Several other people were not so entertained.
There are probably many other entertaining things that happened, but that was a month ago, and I don't remember anything else. We ate, we drank, we laughed. We all had a great time, but I've been to better parties. After all, no one ended up naked. But then, this was my little sister's party, so it's not like I would've wanted that anyway.
Award-winning comments
Best Comment Trail (tie), September 2005