[Ed. note: republished with permission.]
Once again I'm here in Ireland for the Adidas Dublin Marathon. My editor has been incoherently screaming things that sound like "deadline," so I'm moving forward with my interview. Unfortunately Lulu is unavailable, as she's actually running the marathon at the moment. I have here with me Lulu's physical therapist, who has agreed to speak with me about Lulu.
Interview Guy: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
Lulu's Physical Therapist: It's no bother, really. I've got nothing to do until after the race anyway.
IG: So can you tell us anything about Lulu's physical condition?
LPT: She's in rough shape.
IG: Can you elaborate on that at all?
LPT: Lulu's shovel feet are going to explode shortly after the ten kilometer mark.
IG: Lulu has shovel feet?
LPT: No, of course not. It's not like she actually has shovels for feet.
IG: That image is a little Tim Burton.
LPT: I mean that Lulu is going to pound her feet until they are as flat and wide as shovels. And then they're going to explode.
IG: Shortly after the ten kilometer mark?
LPT: Yes, that's correct.
IG: How can you be so certain when they'll explode?
LPT: I've got $500 riding on the tenth kilometer.
IG: You've placed a wager on when your client's feet will explode?
LPT: Yes.
IG: Isn't that unethical?
LPT: Yeah, probably. But I need the money. I'm a physical therapist. You think all that dominatrix gear is free?
IG: Uh, what kind of dominatrix gear to you have? Did you bring any with you to Dublin?
LPT: I have quite a bit of my gear at the hotel.
IG: Is there any way I can see some of that?
LPT: If you can pay $125 an hour, you can see as much as you like… worm.
IG: I don't think my editor will cover that expense. Can I just get a picture of your boobs instead?
LPT: What? No!
IG: I might be able to get you on the cover.
LPT: Really? Umm, ok.
IG: There's no way that will ever make the cover.
LPT: But you said…
IG: I'm sorry, I have a previous engagement. Please excuse me.
LPT: Dick.
Colin Farrell: Is that pepperoni?