[Ed. note: republished with permission.]
 

Dublin. Marathon. Can't find Lulu. No boobage. Here with a leprechaun.

Interview Guy: Mr. Leprechaun, thanks.

Leprechaun: Me name's Richie.

IG: Richie the leprechaun?

RTL: Aye, Richie.

IG: Whatever.

RTL: Wha' kin I do fer ye, laddie?

IG: I'm here in Dublin to interview Lulu but I screwed everything up. I am so close to getting fired. Can you help me?

RTL: I dinno Lulu.

IG: Don't you have leprechaun magic or something?

RTL: Maybe so. What d'ye want?

IG: My editor really wants a boobage photo.

RTL: Well why dinna ye jes' say as much? I'll nah be needin' magic fer tha'.

IG: That is wrong on so many levels. I feel sick.

RTL: Will ye be wantin' to touch me lucky charms then?

IG: Oh fuck this! That's it. I'm done. I quit. I fucking quit! I can't take this shit anymore!

RTL: Dick.

Colin Farrell: Hey, can I see that again?

Lulu: Did I miss anything?

[Ed. note: republished with permission.]
 

I'm still here in Ireland for the Adidas Dublin Marathon. I'm still trying to get an interview that might not get me fired. With me today is Colin Farrell.

Interview Guy: Mr. Farrell, thanks for speaking with me today.

Colin Farrell: Call me Colin. [Farrell winks.]

IG: I'd prefer Mr. Farrell, thank you.

CF: Oh, come on! You're in Ireland; you need to loosen up.

IG: Mr. Farrell, can you tell me anything about Lulu?

CF: Who?

IG: Lulu. The lovely young woman you were molesting two days ago.

CF: Sorry, which?

IG: Lulu. She took your hands out of her shirt to come over and talk to me?

CF: Oh, Lulu! The Californian with the great boobage.

IG: Yes! That's the one!

CF: Right, right, right. I remember her, yeah.

IG: Can you tell me anything about her?

CF: Eh, not much I'm afraid.

IG: Anything at all? I'm trying to keep my job here.

CF: Uh, well… Oh, here's something: I've never before seen a Yank girl try to drink Guinness straight from the tap.

IG: She actually tried that?

CF: Oh, yeah. She seemed to think that's the way it works here. The landlord was quite bothered by that. In the end he chalked it up to cultural differences and poured her a pint.

IG: So what is it about Lulu that attracted you to her?

CF: Boobage.

IG: Did she teach you that word?

CF: Yeah. She said I couldn't touch them unless I called them by their proper name.

IG: So you did get to touch them then?

CF: [He grins.] Aye, I did.

IG: This just might save my job. You didn't happen to get a picture of them, did you?

CF: What?

IG: A photo. Of Lulu's boobage. Do you have a picture?

CF: No, sorry. Have you seen how tight my pants are? Where am I supposed to keep a camera?

IG: My editor is really hoping for a boob photo.

CF: You're trying to get me out of my shirt, aren't you?

IG: No, Mr. Farrell, I assure you I'm not.

CF: Don't be shy. I saw you checking me out.

IG: No! Mr. Farrell, I was not!

CF: It's all right. I understand.

IG: Please stop rubbing my leg.

CF: That's what Jared Leto said. He didn't mean it either.

IG: No means no! No means no!

CF: We'll start slowly. I'll just unbutton my shirt for now.

IG: Please stop, Mr. Farrell.

CF: You can't run away from your feelings.

IG: I really need to leave now.

CF: Dick.

[Ed. note: republished with permission.]
 

Once again I'm here in Ireland for the Adidas Dublin Marathon. My editor has been incoherently screaming things that sound like "deadline," so I'm moving forward with my interview. Unfortunately Lulu is unavailable, as she's actually running the marathon at the moment. I have here with me Lulu's physical therapist, who has agreed to speak with me about Lulu.

Interview Guy: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.

Lulu's Physical Therapist: It's no bother, really. I've got nothing to do until after the race anyway.

IG: So can you tell us anything about Lulu's physical condition?

LPT: She's in rough shape.

IG: Can you elaborate on that at all?

LPT: Lulu's shovel feet are going to explode shortly after the ten kilometer mark.

IG: Lulu has shovel feet?

LPT: No, of course not. It's not like she actually has shovels for feet.

IG: That image is a little Tim Burton.

LPT: I mean that Lulu is going to pound her feet until they are as flat and wide as shovels. And then they're going to explode.

IG: Shortly after the ten kilometer mark?

LPT: Yes, that's correct.

IG: How can you be so certain when they'll explode?

LPT: I've got $500 riding on the tenth kilometer.

IG: You've placed a wager on when your client's feet will explode?

LPT: Yes.

IG: Isn't that unethical?

LPT: Yeah, probably. But I need the money. I'm a physical therapist. You think all that dominatrix gear is free?

IG: Uh, what kind of dominatrix gear to you have? Did you bring any with you to Dublin?

LPT: I have quite a bit of my gear at the hotel.

IG: Is there any way I can see some of that?

LPT: If you can pay $125 an hour, you can see as much as you like… worm.

IG: I don't think my editor will cover that expense. Can I just get a picture of your boobs instead?

LPT: What? No!

IG: I might be able to get you on the cover.

LPT: Really? Umm, ok.

IG: There's no way that will ever make the cover.

LPT: But you said…

IG: I'm sorry, I have a previous engagement. Please excuse me.

LPT: Dick.

Colin Farrell: Is that pepperoni?

[Ed. note: republished with permission.]
 

I'm here in Ireland on the eve of the Adidas Dublin Marathon with Lulu, sports fanatic, runner, Californian, Goddess. Lulu has graciously agreed to take Colin Farrell's hands out of her shirt long enough to speak with me for a few moments.

Interview Guy: Lulu, thanks for joining me.

Lulu: You're welcome. I'm honored to be interviewed for SI.

IG: Umm, yeah. So how are you feeling today?

Lulu: I feel good. I'm a little nervous, but I feel strong.

IG: Nervous about the marathon? Or about those kissy faces Colin Farrell is making at you?

Lulu: The marathon. I'm pretty sure Farrell is making those kissy faces at you.

IG: I'm suddenly uncomfortable. May we change seats?

Lulu: Sure.

IG: Ok, now he's back to looking at you. I feel better now.

Lulu: Wimp.

IG: Uh, ok. Before we get back to the marathon, I'd like to talk about the issue that concerns our readers most.

Lulu: And that issue would be?

IG: Boobs.

Lulu: Oh, come on! I'm about to run a marathon. How could SI possibly be more interested in my boobs?

IG: Are you kidding? Haven't you ever seen our soft core Swimsuit Issue? Half the time they're not even wearing swimsuits.

Lulu: Good point. [She sighs.] Go ahead then. Ask your questions.

IG: What's with the word "boobage?"

Lulu: You don't like boobage? Are you gay?

IG: No! I like boobs just fine, I'm just wondering about the word "boobage."

Lulu: Boobage is good. Boobage is unique and pleasant. Just like my boobage.

IG: So can I get a picture of those to share with all of my readers?

Lulu: No.

IG: Please?

Lulu: Groveling isn't going to help you. There's so much more to me than boobs. I resent this a little. And stop staring. My face is up here.

IG: With a picture, I might be able to get you the cover story.

Lulu: Oh, all right! Here!

IG: That's not even a picture of you! That's the woman from Terminator 3.

Lulu: And that's all you're getting. Are we going to talk about the marathon or sports or something?

IG: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm all out of time right now. We'll have to continue this another time.

Lulu: Dick.