[You should read the Why Star Wars rocks post first.]

The way I heard the legend, Star Wars was originally one huge story. George Lucas took his story to a few Hollywood types, and they all give him the same bits of advice. First, the story was way too big for one movie. Second, don't pitch it as a series of movies. No one will commit to a series until they know that the first movie has money in the bank.

So Lucas took his two-ton screenplay and cut out his favorite chunk. Assuming he'd only get the chance to make one movie, he started pitching Episode IV. Everybody knows how that worked out.

Three years after Star Wars came Empire, and after three more years, Jedi. Has anyone else noticed how out of place those fuzzy-assed Ewoks seemed in Jedi? Out of the entire original trilogy, the Ewoks are the only little fuzzy cute things. Supposedly (again according to those mysterious legends) Jedi was originally to be set on Chewbacca's planet, but Lucas changed it to something more appealing for little kids. Damn his money lust. Everyone I've ever talked Star Wars with agrees that Jedi would have been better without the cuddly little Ewoks changing the tone.

I can't help but wonder what else has changed since Lucas carved up his original story in the mid-70s. Jedi was turned into a hybrid story/marketing tool. Phantom Menace did the same thing, trying to suck in a new generation of kids with the poisonously cute Jar Jar Binks.

With the earliest movies, Lucas still had to rely on the real world to create his fantasies. Aliens were actors in costumes. Scapeships were miniatures on sticks. Backgrounds were painted. He squeezed everything he could out of the "primitive" tools at his disposal. The new movies are nothing like this.

Watching the new trilogy, I doubt there's a single frame that hasn't been "enhanced." Entire characters exist only in computer animations. Entire planets are digital constructs. Lucas has become so obsessed with what he can do, he's forgotten to ask what he should do. I imagine him continuously asking "how can I make this bigger?" His digital fetish has sucked the soul out of his movies.

Episode II was an absolute disaster. Most of the movie sucks. And the parts that suck least all seem to be stolen from other movies. There's the scene where Anakin and Obi Wan are chasing the assassin through Coruscant. Well, that's basically a non-cool version of the chase scene in Fifth Element. This scene is immediately followed by a carbon copy of the cantina scene from his original movie. The robot factory scene is little more than a rewrite of the pie machine in Chicken Run, only without the cleverness and fun. The clone farms of Kamino bear a suspicious resemblance to the human-powered batteries from the Matrix. The coliseum scene could have been lifted straight from any sand-and-sandals movie Hollywood's cranked out in the past fifty years or so. Gladiator, Spartacus, whatever. The list goes on, but you get the idea.

Just so you don't think I'm all gloom and doom on the new movies and all sunshine and roses on the old, let me say I have a major complaint about the original trilogy as well. I'll say it bluntly: Star Wars destroyed Hollywood.

Look at the big blockbusters Hollywood put out a just before Star Wars. Movies like Jaws and Close Encounters could never get made today. They're great movies, but they just don't cut it in the New Hollywood. And Alfred Hitchcock? Forget it. If released as a new film today, Vertigo would play in a few dozen art house theaters. There's not enough action. Not enough flash. For the past 25 years, the trend has been more pretty, less thinky. Movies keep getting bigger in scope, but smaller in spirit. With this trend, George Lucas basically created the modern action hero. Extend that to its logical end, and Lucas is responsible for the words "Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger."

When I was a boy, Star Wars filled me excitement and wonder. But that was then. Time passes. Things change. And lightning just does not strike twice.

As everyone not currently in a coma knows, the final installment of the Star Wars series is about to hit theaters. I really want to see this movie. I'm very curious to see how everything works out. After 28 years, everything is finally going to be resolved.

I was four years old in 1977, so I have only the fuzziest memories about seeing the original movie. But I remember the next two pretty clearly.

I was seven years old in 1980. I saw The Empire Strikes Back at a drive-in theater. My family never had too much money, so my parents actually snuck me into the theater. [Doesn't the word "snuck" sound dirty?] Mom told me to get really small in the footwell behind her seat and cover myself with a blanket. We got in just fine: two adult tickets, no child tickets. Once we parked, Mom got the snacks out of the trunk. We had popcorn from home, made with oil on the stove. We had a pitcher of Kool-Aide and Cokes in glass bottles. I'm so glad things change. If nothing ever changed, we could never be nostalgic about things like Coke in glass bottles.

At seven years old, the drive-in was a place of wonder. The drive-in is where I saw Christopher Reeve fly. It's where I saw Richard Dreyfuss play with his mashed potatoes. And it's where I nearly peed myself watching Roy Scheider battle a giant shark.

Watching Empire is one of the clearest memories I have of my childhood. To my young eyes, the drive-in screen seemed impossibly huge. That tinny metal speaker box put the sound right there in the car. Everywhere outside the car, people were moving. They seemed like ghosts as they'd emerge from the darkness on their way to the snack counter or the restrooms.

And the movie! Oh, the movie! Yoda fascinated me. Darth Vader terrified me. I felt like I was holding my breath for two solid hours. Even with my adult eyes, I marvel at the use of color and the "feel" of Luke and Vader's showdown in the carbon freezing room.

I was ten in 1983, when Return of The Jedi came out. This time we saw the movie in an indoor theater, with seats and tickets and everything. The movie wasn't nearly as good as Empire, but I remember the theater. In 1983, the theater still had curtains that they'd open and close for every movie. People would still cheer when the hero won, and they'd still applaud when the movie finished. This time my best friend Rex went with us to see the movie. On the walk home he and I rehashed our favorite scenes while my parents followed behind, smiling and laughing at our enthusiasm.

The original Star Wars trilogy still stands as a seminal event in American cinema. Movies were just not the same after Star Wars. Science fiction was suddenly mainstream, and Hollywood types fell all over themselves to find the next story too large to be contained by one planet.

Special effects took a huge leap forward as well. Mechanical sharks and men in tights were pretty cool, but nothing could match the "wow factor" that Star Wars introduced. All of a sudden visuals were a real priority, and filmmakers haven't stopped amazing us since.

I was thinking about writing a post about all the events of my weekend. The biggest problem with that is that all the events of my weekend added together and with a little embelishment aren't worth mentioning.

Except for one.

Saturday afternoon The Kid informed me that the coolest thing in the universe, past present or future, in history or in fantasy, would be a volcano with a lightsabre. He's not sure what a volcano would do with a lightsabre, but he's convinced it would be pretty cool anyway.

So, yeah. That's all I've got. I'm gonna go get a sandwich and one of those little bags of Fritos.