So yesterday morning my friend Zeke was sitting on the couch rocking some Guitar Hero 80s. He was playing through The Police's "Synchronicity." That used to be one of my favorite albums. It was given to me for Christmas when I was… I dunno, 10? It was one of the first grown-up albums I ever owned. I wondered if I still had my old LP.

I went to the garage where my neglected vinyl collection is stashed. Despite the temperature and humidity extremes, they're all in great shape. And sure enough, there's my Police album.

 
What a great record. "Every Breath You Take," "King of Pain" and "Wrapped Around Your Finger" are back-to-back-to-back on side 2. But I never did understand what the deal was with "Miss Gradenko." Stewart Copeland must've been stoned when he wrote that one.

And right next to Synchronicity was the other half of that particular Christmas present, Def Leppard's Pyromania.

 
I loved that album. Def Leppard was pretty damn cool in 1983. I think I might have come close to wearing out the grooves on that one. Shut up. Def Leppard was cool.

And so was Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was very cool. There was no one in the world cooler than Michael Jackson in 1983.

 
Don't hate! Don't judge me just because I still remember that Michael Jackson turned 25 on August 29th, 1983. And don't judge me because I walked to the store to buy a newspaper because I was absolutely certain it would be filled with flowery editorials and fan letters about the event. Why wouldn't it be? Michael Jackson was the biggest star in the world! His birthday was practically a holiday!

I bought the newspaper, certain that the news items on the front page would be replaced inside the paper with the Jackson coverage I craved. I was stunned, shocked!, to find not one single Jackson-related story in the entire Elgin Daily Courier News. WTF was wrong with those people?? Didn't they know it was International Michael Jackson Day?

You're judging me, aren't you? Then I'd best move on.

 
Ok… BeeGees? Not necessarily the best way to deflect your judgment. But hey, at least it's the album with "Tragedy."

Ok, let's see what's next in the box.

 
The Best of Disney? When did I get that? And why did I keep it? At some point I lost my copy of John Denver's Christmas with The Muppets, but I managed to hang on to The Best of Disney?

Ok, here's where I might start to regain your respect.

 
The Rolling Stones, The Yardbirds, The Kinks. Right on. The guys in The Kinks look very "tonight let's all make love in London," don't they?

I don't know if this part is respectable or not: a Rick James collection that doesn't include "Superfreak."

 
Say it with me now… "I'm Rick James, bitch!"

Check out the guy's unit on those album covers. Nice. You just don't see good codpieces in mainstream music anymore.

Ok, so when did I get so much Elvis? I wasn't even remotely interested in The King until long after the vinyl era ended, and yet I still have ten LPs. And hello… what's this now?

Moody Blue, on blue vinyl! Sweet! No warps, no scratches. I'll bet that's worth a chunk.

And… that's a bet I would have lost. A quick eBay search for "elvis moody blue vinyl" reveals that this is not exactly scarce. There several copies listed. Nothing over $5 had a bid. Dammit. And here I was hoping it would be trading for $2,000 or so. I really need that $2,000 for… oh, I dunno. Can I have $2,000?

Back to the box.

I have some comedy records, some K-Tel stuff, about a dozen classical LPs in perfectly mint "never before played" condition.

I also have a very helpful cat. Mittens is helping me, she's sure of this.

 
She is the essence of helpfulness.

heh. I have a few 8 Tracks. Awesome. Let's see… Charlie Daniels Band, Willie Nelson, Ozzy, Bill Cosby, Cheech & Chong, uh… ABBA, um… two Eddie Rabbit tapes…

 
Ok, so I liked Eddie Rabbit. And you would too if you gave him a chance. There's no troubadour in the world who could capture the existential angst of the human condition quite like Rabbit did on "I Love a Rainy Night."

Ahem.

Anyway. On to the pile of singles. I have a handful of Beach Boys (with my father's name written on the label in pen), some Beatles, some Wings, Zeppelin, Elton John. Holy shit! I have Neil Young's "Heart of Gold?" How cool is that! Let's see, Prince's "When Doves Cry," Foreigner's "Feels Like The First Time," Sly and The Family Stone, some Creedence, um… some more Eddie Rabbit… shut up! I like Eddie Rabbit, ok? I know you're judging me. I can feel your eyes on me!

I also have two of the best stupid/fun songs of the whole 80s! Eddy Grant's "Electric Avenue" and Men Without Hats "Safety Dance." I could swear I also had Rick Dees "Disco Duck," but apparently some covetous, jealous hater stole it. Or something.

And now, for the piece de resistance! The crown jewels of my singles collection. USA for Africa's "We Are The World" and the 1985 Chicago Bears "Superbowl Shuffle."

 
The fact that I own those two singles more than makes up for the bits about Michael Jackson and Eddie Rabbit, right?

Right?